While enjoying the brilliant and beloved spectacle of St. Peter’s Fiesta this annum, we here at The Clam took a moment to ponder what could possibly be added to make Fiesta better. It was hard. Fiesta is amazing on its own. But, here we are.
1. Blessing of the Monday Morning Post-Fiesta Street Sweeper Fleet. Let’s not kid ourselves- this is a job fraught with danger. You ever seen what happens when half a ton of green, white, and red confetti gets stuck in those bristles? We’ve lost the limbs of good men that way. Poor Ed, never did get used to making an Old Fashioned with one arm.
Not pictured: carnival ride vomit stuck to bristles.
2. Ceremonial Fishing All The Grease Out Of The Water. Do you know how much you can get for locally crafted artisinal, reclaimed crisco/red grease mixture? How do you think everyone in Bed-Stuy repacks the bearings in their fixies? If we get kids to do it, we can keep labor rates down and keep more of the sweet hipster cash for ourselves. This grease has a story, man, and that story is something we can sell to people who wear stupid hats.
This fucker would totally buy artisinal grease.
3. Annual Fixing The Fort’s Potholes Ourselves Thankyouverymuch. Everybody that lives in the Fort gets a shovel, beach sand, some Cape Pond Ice, crushed bits of concrete fallen from the facade of Good Harbor Fillet, and lobster shells and packs in those potholes best they can. It’s better that way than if a hotel ever moved in and paid for new infrastructure, when you think about it. Let’s leave it this way forever!
Hmm, needs more fear of change.
4. The Let’s Watch the Joan of Arc Statue This Time and Make Sure Nobody Fucks With It Parade: Self explanatory. How did no one see this happen when there’s four mounted state policemen around the corner and approximately seven thousand people hanging out on porches directly facing the statue? I think it’s a conspiracy. Additional note: “Going on a bender” is supposed to be euphemistic, fuckers.
Fiesta Aliens. It’s the only explanation.
5. Red Solo Cup Race: This event will take place at approximately 11:32 PM on Fiesta Friday. A police officer will descend upon an underage drinking party (on purpose or accidentally on his way to get an Ambie’s sausage) and all patrons located inside said party will race to the exits as fast as possible. Slowest one gets court on Monday and is grounded for, like, the whole summer.
C’MON, WE WERE *THIS* CLOSE TO SEEING BOOBS.
Perhaps if we wish upon a greasy pole long enough, we can make some of these new Fiesta traditions come true. One can only hope, right?