Month: February 2015

You know what I’ve always hated with the fiery heat of a million suns? The idea of space savers. We don’t see them in Gloucester – and I’ll explain that part later – but in Boston, they’re a storied tradition of selfishness and “I got mine so fuck off” entitlement. They turn everyone into assholes. I mean, bigger assholes than usual. And they shouldn’t be allowed anymore. This asinine tradition is out of control, it’s gotten to the breaking point, and we all just need to grow the fuck up.

OK, it happened in Gloucester this one time last week but seriously who is this guy?

Let me let you in on something here, before we go any further: YOU PARKED ON A PUBLIC STREET. YOU DO NOT OWN A SPOT ON A PUBLIC STREET. IT IS NOT YOURS.

I’ve had this fight a ton of times before. It’s not like I don’t see the inherent unfairness of taking an hour, or more, to shovel out your car and go to work, only when you get back, there’s someone else in that space. “What the hell”, you think. “That’s not fair“. Well, that car belongs to someone else. Someone who probably, let me reach here, also most likely shoveled out a space in order to leave where they were during the storm to get to where they are now, which is “your spot”. They probably didn’t drive from Florida just to show up on your street, and if they did, maybe they need to pee so just let them park.

There’s such egregious selfishness in putting a bookcase, set of lawn darts, or your least favorite kid out on your street for days so you, only precious, special you, can use it, so no one else who needs a spot, even for twenty fucking minutes while you’re at your shitty job for the next eight hours. Here’s the thing: people need to do shit on your street. Grandmothers need to babysit grandkids. Visiting nurses need to help the elderly. Someone may have a friend visiting overnight. People that don’t live on your street? THEY CAN PARK THERE. BECAUSE AGAIN, IT’S A FUCKING PUBLIC STREET.

GRONK OWN STREET NOW.

“WAH BUT I SHOVELED WAAAH IT WAS SO HARD! IT WAS WORSE THAN CHOLERA!” Okay, you know what? There’s a simple way to fix this (hint: sarcasm). It’s how we do it in Gloucester – you just don’t get to park on the street during a snow emergency. Any street, anywhere. That makes it easy – plows just plow the parking lane! Hooray, everybody gets to park after it’s all done! But it makes it a real fucking goddamn pain in the ass for you – hope you can find another place to park for a couple days, and then dig out of that spot just like you’d do at home. Hint: bring a shovel on the non-working T to go find your car. Oh, you can’t? It would be a bigger pain than shoveling out your car? See, we’re getting somewhere. Shoveling your car out is the price you pay for the convenience of parking on a public street by your residence during a snowstorm. Full stop.  And those unshoveled spots on your street are ALSO YOUR FAULT because plows can’t get to them since your car and your neighbors’ cars block access. So instead of whining about “your” space, dig out another one. Because that’s how shit works in the real world. You don’t like it? Well, you can always pay for a garage space somewhere.

The biggest argument against space savers is the absolutely fucking stupid vigilante shit that happens in its wake. People who aren’t aware of Boston’s storied idiotic tradition get their cars dumped on, or they get their tires slashed, or they get shot. It is not okay to do these things, ever. But clearly the sense of entitlement is so deep with space savers that it suddenly becomes okay to do thousands of dollars of property damage to some low-income transplant who cleans houses on your street, or some visiting CNA who makes $11 an hour to make sure your 99 year old neighbor isn’t dead on her floor. The worst part is that Menino (God rest his awesome soul) gave his tacit approval to the practice by declaring all space savers be removed within 48 hours.

“But my neighbor is ever so lazy and just waits for us to do the hard work!” Okay, so here’s a quick thought: maybe talk to your neighbor, like an adult, and see what the deal is. Maybe you don’t realize your neighbor is battling a health issue. Maybe your neighbor is lazy as shit after all. But that doesn’t mean you put broken TVs in the road and slash tires. Thankfully, the South End finally stood up and said “this is stupid, and it needs to stop”, and apparently they are not putting up with parking tomfoolery, horseplay, or shenanigans. From the Globe:

“This is a criminal act of vandalism. This is not a quaint Boston custom gone awry,” said Stephen Fox, cochairman of the South End Forum. “This is something that is intolerable in an urban environment, and it needs to be treated as a crime and not with a shoulder shrug.”

I’m done with this shit. Just ban fucking parking during storms, so people can stop acting like whiny babies and other people stop acting like it’s okay to be a giant assweasel.

The roof of the Eastern Ave Shaws apparently just partially collapsed. Reports at this time say no one was hurt.

Also the Commuter Rail has suspended service on our line (Newburyport/Rockport) so they can continue with snow removal.

Hat tip to the Gloucester Daily Times for reporting on actual essential news rather than Mardi Gras pizza recipes in the midst of a declared emergency.

http://www.gloucestertimes.com/news/storm-update-partial-roof-collapse-shuts-eastern-ave-shaw-s/article_3e36024c-b5fb-11e4-bb3c-2f3714a18709.html

It’s Vacation week here in Gloucester which means looking after small children while trying to do the paid gigs also while trying to keep the atoms in our genitals from becoming a Bose Einstein condensate (look it up).

Colder than Ayn Rand’s liveread of “The Giving Tree”

So we’re on a limited “when we can” posting schedule and we’re going to try and keep you updated on the funny but also some of the useful as well. One of the things we’ve noticed these past few storms how TERRIBLE the communication centralization has been. The communication itself has actually been very good, all the department heads and the Mayor have been getting the word out, but on every conceivable platform and nowhere all at once. People hear different news at different times, then post it. School closings get to the TV but not to any kind of email or text for hours later.

There have been seemingly random phone calls through the “code red” system, emails, tweets, postings on Facebook and for reasons no one seems to be able to explain The Bridge Cape Ann- which as far as I know is an all-pay advertising site- has become the best source for up-to-date news on snow removal and messages from the police chief. Why is this? Why isn’t this the job of the actual newspaper that has an actual news website? Or the city’s website? Why are people flocking to the Mayor’s personal Facebook page to tell her about missed oil deliveries? Because 21st century I guess.  It is, however, extremely frustrating.

https://www.bridgecapeann.com/

Seriously- this guy is the best thing we have, and he’s running presumably for-pay contests in the middle of it. That’s fine, that’s his business, but is this really the best we can do as a public information source? Although, we should note his studio is amazing, it really looks just like some dude’s kitchen shot with a terrible in-display laptop camera. I’m guessing CGI.

But I want to stress HE IS THE BEST THING WE HAVE RIGHT NOW SO AN OFFICIAL HUZZAH TO YOU SIR!!!!

Since we’re doing the “info from everyplace” thing here are a few other tips from downtown Gloucester as I made my way to Clamedia Tower this morning:

• Center Street- the one that goes up to Middle from next to Passports. Yeah, that’s a one way. Even in the Subaru I needed to pile the coal into the boilers to get her enough steam to make it up, but of course dude in K-Car has to turn down it just as I’m 3/4 way up. That means either K-Car dude was going to have to back up, or me back all the way down and I have the all-wheel-drive. But the takeaway: There is no way for two cars to pass as of 8:45 this morning. I’m recommending don’t use it at all until it’s widened.
• Middle/Pleasant Street Parking Lot- Looks like it has been abandoned for future generations to uncover. It’s pretty much a glacier right now. Don’t expect to find parking there either unless you’re in a full-on SUV with some clearance and good tires.
• Main Street- left side has a few spaces. Right side none. You know what, don’t plan on parking there.
• Sidewalks- Seem to have been cleared downtown which is awesome. Still no chance beyond Flanagan’s Square, you’re in the road at that point, pedestrians.

Ok, I know everyone is saying “check your seniors” which is great and we’ve been doing that, but it’s crazy-ass cold out there and I know that heating systems are going to be pressed to the max. So I’m asking not just for people to check on others but for folks, senior or otherwise, who are feeling like they are getting uncomfortable or worried not to wait until the last minute to ask for help. Call now, email, reach out, call the cops at the non-emergency line at 978.283-1212 and they, we, whomever will get you sorted out. Got it?

As The Clam will continue to say until our tongue freezes into our mouth (probably around noon or so) we are only going to get through this together.

Again, as noted, unless ice zombies show up. Then you motherfuckers are on your own. But short of that, we’re all in this together.