Last week, I recapped the first episode in this season of Wicked Tuna. Episode 2 aired last night Sunday Night, and boy, do we have plenty to talk about (probably not it’s a boring show). I’m done geared up for the next 43 minutes of my life! I have some margaritas, my DVR, and a growing sense of dread – I’m good to go.
We start off with the Tuna.com, where they spend a 2 minute portion of the show filming absolutely nothing of interest. Next is a segment on the Pinwheel, which is all decked out in its normal stupid rasta glory. At one point there is green, yellow, and red pretty much everywhere, including the color of the fishing line and Tyler’s boxer shorts.
Diversify, people.
I literally do not get this obsession. I don’t think I have cumulatively smoked enough weed in my life to ever purchase anything related to reggae. I mean more power to him, I just thought that whole trend was done in like 1999 but what do I know, I just live and breathe pop culture and am married to a nightclub DJ. Kids these days. Anyway, SLOW MOTION SEAGULLS!
THEY’RE SO BEAUUUTIFUL AND DON’T AT ALL SHIT EVERYWHERE
Over on the Hot Tuna, Mike explains that he is TJ’s younger brother by 18 months, making them “Irish Step-Twins.” o_O He then states that because they are brothers, he will bring yelling and tension to the boat, which basically was like “please keep me on, I shall bring ever so many ratings.” But whatever, they seem cool, so let’s get to some drama.
Oh, more reggae music, so we’re back on Stonerboat. Oh, there’s some dramatic music because Pinwheel and Tuna and Tyler says “I’m going to pop your anchor ball!” That’s totally unscripted, I bet.
Crazy just happens out on these high seas! Anyway turns out he was just being a dick. “This guy’s going to get beaten one of these days!” says somebody. Yeah, that’s pretty much the Gloucester way – just assault somebody. Classy. Maybe you can also not pay your cab fare and be in possession of a Schedule B substance while you’re at it, really go for broke. They continue to talk about the likelihood of Tyler being beaten and apparently no one steps in to say it’s a bad idea. Amazing.
Anyway the Tuna.com accidentally keeps catching sharks, while Pinwheel lands another fish. Dave gets sorta butthurt and steams away sulking, while Tyler and his group of skater bois wave dramatically. I can’t even hate on the Pinwheel because they’re sorta the best thing this show has. I just want more footage of them slamming cheeseburgers and PBRs like we know they have somewhere on the cutting room floor. Can we just cut all the Hard Merchandise scenes and just have way more stoner action? I want to see some Cards Against Humanity going on.
Why haven’t they called the Hot Tuna the Ott Tuna? Har Har. Oh, I’m almost two drinks in by the way. Yep. No one was saying “I need this fish” so I just went with a slow and continuous drinking to block out the reggae music.
Sometimes I pause this in the weirdest places.
The Hard Merchandise reels a fish, and someone yells “we got a wicked screamer!” which was, of course, my nickname in high school.
Back on the Tuna.com, Dave reaches a new level of freak-out and uses more profanity than I do when his line breaks. At one point he blames an entire week of bad luck on Tyler, which is an incredibly adult and mature thing to do. Then upon returning to the Marina, he actually whacks Tyler directly in the face and threatens to break his legs, and then says Tyler has “no backbone.” Um, you just assaulted someone much younger and smaller than you. What the fuck even is this show? People enjoy watching half-fake assaults between white guys in dumb shorts? I literally don’t understand America. Way to represent Gloucester, guys. Awesome. Good work.
Drinks Needed: 2.5
Tunas Caught: 4
Slow Motion Seagulls: 1
Dogs Yelled At: 1
Idiotic Assaults: 1
Now I REALLY know why I don’t watch this show – or any other “reality show”. What a waste of time.
That was actually more entertaining than the show.