Month: March 2015

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: Episode 3, “Bluefin Beatdown”.

  By

Welcome back to KT’s Wicked Tuna recap, where I tell you what’s going on in this magical show so you don’t actually spend an hour of your weekend doing so. I take donations, by the way, for this service. Mostly in booze or tranquilizer darts (whatever, I have small boys, don’t judge).

So our third hot garbage episode of the season is upon us. I believe it’s called “The One Where Mike Fucks Up”, based on the previews. Most of the first five minutes is just stock footage of Stonerboat and Tuna.com getting into several years of sad man-drama, but then they switch over to the Hot Tuna and there’s TJ, totally throwing his little brother Mike under the bus on national tv for like six additional minutes. Hot damn, we have ourselves an episode.

"Is my shirt clean enough? It's only cable TV."

“Is my shirt clean enough? It’s only cable TV.”

The Pinwheel fails to catch a fish (even though they said they really needed it), and there is whining. Tyler mumbles a series of motivational phrases, and the show’s obviously scripted lines are yelled too quickly and thoughtlessly to be anything off-the-cuff. It’s not that any of us believe these reality shows represent the truth, but there are times when this show doesn’t even try to hide the scripting. Dave’s Tuna.com catches a fish, and then whomps it with an anchor ball. Okay! Cool. Normal.

There is a little bit on Paul’s new boat, the Kelly Ann, and some kid making a delicious-looking breakfast. However, they don’t catch anything and are largely useless for the entire episode. The Hard Merchandise doesn’t even show up for this episode, though, so at least these guys got to eat delicious breakfast sandwiches.

hooray for boat sandwiches!

hooray for boat sandwiches!

The Hot Tuna has a fish on their line, but then just starts leaking power steering fluid everywhere. So basically they just put more steering fluid in, and then it slowly seeps into the ocean. That’s… safe. And good for the ocean. Thanks for that, NatGeo. The Tuna.com has another fish, who they deem “an asshole”. Well, yeah, I think that’s because he has a hook in his face. Probably. And now he’s dead and will be in my next spicy tuna roll. Hooray!

Back to the Hot Tuna, where they smartly decide to catch the leaking oil in a bucket instead of letting it seep directly into the ocean. They catch the fish on their line with the help of Mike, who has finally done something worthy of his family’s love (sweating in a small, hot room). Hooray!

Okay this has been an entirely boring episode. A few more fish get caught in incredibly boring ways, some yelling happens, karma is or is not served on Tyler, some tuna gets sold for varying amounts of money, I need another margarita, blah blah blah.

Drinks Consumed: 1.6 (zzz this stupid episode sucked)
Tuna Caught: 4
We Really Need This Fish Count: 2
Reel Reel Reel! Count: 3
Slow Motion Seagulls: 0

No Snark Sunday: Your Lucky Stars

  By

At the Museum of Science in Boston there is a device that demonstrates the most important function in our universe: probability. It’s in “The Hall of Math” and is way less sexy than the tyrannosaurus or the IMAX theater, but without it neither would exist.

hqdefault (1)

It’s a simple device called a “Galton Box” or a “Bean Machine.” With a  piece of wood, some nails an a jar of marbles you could make one in less than an hour.

One simply releasees the jar of marbles at the top of the pattern of nails and the marbles ping their way down as they fall. Some ping themselves out to the sides, most ping their way down to the middle and make a neat pattern of distribution we all know as “The Bell Curve” It’s actually a demonstration of a wave of probability.

It’s so familiar to us we don’t even think about it but we know it intuitively: most of the marbles will land in the same general place, some do not. You can’t predict where any one will go, but you can safely predict where most of them will go. Every time.

Boring, right? Wrong.

When you look at something that happens consistently in the universe in a specific way you have to ask “why?” Why does it happen like that over and over? Why does probability allow us to predict how large numbers of things will interact, but never individuals? While we may never get to the exact “why” what physicists discovered in the early 20th century was even more disturbing:

Though they didn’t want to admit it, everything turned out to be a product probability waves. Everything as in you, or at least the stuff that makes up you. Nothing exists in a hard and fast way, it only tends to exist based on the chances of it being in a certain location at a particular time. Atoms are not, as most of us were taught in sixth grade,  little solar systems acting like tiny Legos, building everything up from the smallest components. The reality is at the deepest level its more like the swirling clouds of the Earth from space. It’s dynamic and fluid, with defined patterns emerging but with plenty of chaos as well.

You only exist in one place consistently because you’re made up of so much stuff (trillions of atoms) that the tendency for you to remain constant is amazingly strong. You’re the expression of an impossible-to-comprehend number of probabilities coming together at once. You’re a big pile of poker hands, doors on “The Price is Right” and scratch tickets.

Pictured: You

Pictured: You

I’m not being poetic here or weirdly metaphysical, this is hard science. Taking advantage of these principles is how computers and cell phones work. You can actually see it happening every time you go outside because a strange quirk of probability distribution powers the Sun.

The Sun, or any medium-range star, in reality does not have enough fuel to operate the way it does. As you probably know stars work because huge amounts of hydrogen clump together and when it gets all clumpy it ignites and burns. But our Sun really isn’t hot enough to sustain fusion reactions, which is the “burning” part. Fusion is basically the process of mushing stuff together to release energy. It’s so hard here on Earth to make happen we actually have to heat things to thousands of times the actual temperature of the Sun, which is a pain in the ass. Our Sun makes up for this lack of temperature by having an incredible amount of stuff, but all this matter creates a tremendous barrier of electromagnetic forces created by all those atoms upon atoms smooshing together, acting like a big repulsor, a shield to more stuff coming in.

The thing shouldn’t work. It should have burned out after only a few million years. It confused scientists for a long time.

maxresdefault (1)

However, here is the trick: As we said, the Sun has an incredible amount of stuff in it. You could fit a million Earths in the Sun. It’s 98% of the mass of our solar system. So if we take our example above of the falling marbles, you can imagine that even though most of them go to the middle of the curve, there is still a substantial number who wing out to the side and do their own thing. For some of them (and this is where it gets even weirder) even the barriers of forces don’t seem to matter, they just bounce into the electromagnetic field and shoot a little puff of energy over to the other side. It’s not unlike ramming a dock with your boat, most of the energy is taken up by the boat and dock collision, but a little goes to make waves on the other side. Some of the energy passes right on through, dock notwithstanding (but in our case, there is nothing touching anything else- it’s as if the dock wasn’t even there. It’s weird, but true)

The Sun is powered by improbability.

The same sun Sun that serves as the singular reason why you and I and anything alive in this solar system exists.

It gets even weirder still, but I’ll leave it here, suffice to say that those probability waves only turn into real, hard stuff when you measure them and the ability to measure them requires a conscious observer and conscious observers only exist because there are stars like our Sun to beget them.

Let that roll around in your brain for a while.

We are part of this universe; we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts, is that the universe is in us. —Neil deGrasse Tyson

 

Guestpost, Warrant Officer Second Class Sergi Nakhimov of the Russian Federation Navy

Aside

  By

Greetings Clam Persons!

I am, as you would say, "hot"

Greetings, ladies of Internet!

My name is Sergi Nakhimov, I am sailor on Russian Navy submarine Vladikavkaz which is currently holding position a few kilometers off of your harbor of Gloucester. My job on boat is to monitor transmissions of your area on orders of our Great President Vladimir Putin. He has sent us with single order: get new championship ring off hand of mister Robert Kraft or whole of crew will be hunted on his private island as/with dogs (he was unclear on this part only).

Anyhow, we are not going back to Severmorsk without ring so we sit and wait to hear word of sports-factory owner so Captain can send team of creepy Spetznaz commando guys to go get (they have big scissors, did I say they were creeps?). But mostly we wait.

Is boring.

But I Sergi sit in communication center of boat monitoring your Internet so is not all bad. You have some very funny persons on this Clam of yours! Also I hear you are also communist by what angry people say of you on other parts Internet, so pozdravleniya Comrades!

I, Sergi, am something of a comedian as well, having my own comedy paper which when in port I would send by telex to other submarine bases. It was called “Borscht Belt” because in Russia we eat much beet soup and to “belt” is to hit in face in english language which I study. Laughs, Da?

So now I write something for Clam and editors will publish because anything for to not have to watch TV show of unsafe boat full of sad men who demonstrate failings of capitalism as they try and compete for dwindling resource at the pleasure of oligarchs. Good time.

So let us put the weasels in our asses, as you say, and get on with the joking!

Snow! You have much of it, or so you think. My own mother is from Siberia and in times of big storm she would whisper in low voice, “You know what we call this much snow in Siberia? ‘Quiet Murder’…” On second thinking this expression does not maybe translate well, but is very funny for Siberian people.

OK, I am reading official newspaper Gloucester Daily Times! Wow! I must say it is testament to the world to show strength and resolve of Gloucester Central Party Committee during emergency by not giving out any information to proletariat or anything useful at all except recipe for pizza and results of basketball playing among schoolchildren. Is like old Soviet Communist Party national paper Pravda in this habit of not giving important news, but of course Pravda was free. At least in Soviet Union you got nothing for nothing in return. In America nothing costs money! Ha ha! I slay Sergi, who is myself.

We like very much the editorial page though. Is much humor. Obama is a socialist! That one kills us on board, so hard we are laughing. Socialist who gives billions to car making companies and to huge bank. Maybe instead of “Das Kapital” by Karl Marx he was confused and read book about typical American sex lives 50 Shades of Grey. This would explain much of American monetary policy, in honesty.

This is scene from Russian version of movie

This is scene from Russian version of movie

Your Sefatia is great lady Mayor! We like very much how she orders free citizens of your country not to not go outside their homes during storm! We all know only US Governor can declare martial law under your system, but she can declare “Mama Law.” Is much more intimidating than your heavily armed police brigades with their tanks and machine guns.

I think this is photo taken in your state of Missouri

I think this is photo is of your state of Missouri, no?

Congratulations on becoming more of communist country with your national health care. Not so bad, eh, a little of this socialism? What is next, collective farm? Oh, wait, you have this with your CSA. As Marx said, “Each according to his ability, each according to his need.” In case of CSA, as long as need is a Swedish wagon car full organic kale, you are set.

Dress is gold and white. Whole of submarine agrees, I showed at meal to crew. Some were very passionate about this, even angry that there are peoples who say blue. Tempers are short due to our long confinement off your shores. Do not disagree in comments. Alexi, our weapons officer is touchy man and has access to cruise missiles. Ha ha! I make joke (not really).

In officers quarters they watched all of "Lost" and this happened after finale.

In officers quarters they watched all of “Lost” and this happened after finale.

Ok, this is all for now. I have enjoyed much and has helped to reduce drudgery of playing the quiz of Buzzfeed. It turns out muiscboy of One Direction most resembled by me is Zayn. Both of us enjoy smoking and using much grease in our hair. I get mine from torpedoman in trade of printout pictures of his dreamgirl Jane Lynch.

I have not heart to tell him.

Much happy to you all!

Your friend, Sergi