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KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: Episode 2, “Anchor Anger”

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Last week, I recapped the first episode in this season of Wicked Tuna. Episode 2 aired last night Sunday Night, and boy, do we have plenty to talk about (probably not it’s a boring show). I’m done geared up for the next 43 minutes of my life! I have some margaritas, my DVR, and a growing sense of dread – I’m good to go.

We start off with the Tuna.com, where they spend a 2 minute portion of the show filming absolutely nothing of interest. Next is a segment on the Pinwheel, which is all decked out in its normal stupid rasta glory. At one point there is green, yellow, and red pretty much everywhere, including the color of the fishing line and Tyler’s boxer shorts.

Diversify, people.

Diversify, people.

I literally do not get this obsession. I don’t think I have cumulatively smoked enough weed in my life to ever purchase anything related to reggae. I mean more power to him, I just thought that whole trend was done in like 1999 but what do I know, I just live and breathe pop culture and am married to a nightclub DJ. Kids these days. Anyway, SLOW MOTION SEAGULLS!

THEY'RE SO BEAUUUTIFUL AND DON'T AT ALL SHIT EVERYWHERE

THEY’RE SO BEAUUUTIFUL AND DON’T AT ALL SHIT EVERYWHERE

Over on the Hot Tuna, Mike explains that he is TJ’s younger brother by 18 months, making them “Irish Step-Twins.” o_O He then states that because they are brothers, he will bring yelling and tension to the boat, which basically was like “please keep me on, I shall bring ever so many ratings.” But whatever, they seem cool, so let’s get to some drama.

Oh, more reggae music, so we’re back on Stonerboat. Oh, there’s some dramatic music because Pinwheel and Tuna and Tyler says “I’m going to pop your anchor ball!” That’s totally unscripted, I bet.

Crazy just happens out on these high seas! Anyway turns out he was just being a dick. “This guy’s going to get beaten one of these days!” says somebody. Yeah, that’s pretty much the Gloucester way – just assault somebody. Classy. Maybe you can also not pay your cab fare and be in possession of a Schedule B substance while you’re at it, really go for broke. They continue to talk about the likelihood of Tyler being beaten and apparently no one steps in to say it’s a bad idea. Amazing.

Anyway the Tuna.com accidentally keeps catching sharks, while Pinwheel lands another fish. Dave gets sorta butthurt and steams away sulking, while Tyler and his group of skater bois wave dramatically. I can’t even hate on the Pinwheel because they’re sorta the best thing this show has. I just want more footage of them slamming cheeseburgers and PBRs like we know they have somewhere on the cutting room floor. Can we just cut all the Hard Merchandise scenes and just have way more stoner action? I want to see some Cards Against Humanity going on.

Why haven’t they called the Hot Tuna the Ott Tuna? Har Har. Oh, I’m almost two drinks in by the way. Yep. No one was saying “I need this fish” so I just went with a slow and continuous drinking to block out the reggae music.

 

Sometimes I pause this in the weirdest places.

 

The Hard Merchandise reels a fish, and someone yells “we got a wicked screamer!” which was, of course, my nickname in high school.

Back on the Tuna.com, Dave reaches a new level of freak-out and uses more profanity than I do when his line breaks. At one point he blames an entire week of bad luck on Tyler, which is an incredibly adult and mature thing to do. Then upon returning to the Marina, he actually whacks Tyler directly in the face and threatens to break his legs, and then says Tyler has “no backbone.” Um, you just assaulted someone much younger and smaller than you. What the fuck even is this show? People enjoy watching half-fake assaults between white guys in dumb shorts? I literally don’t understand America. Way to represent Gloucester, guys. Awesome. Good work.

Drinks Needed: 2.5
Tunas Caught: 4
Slow Motion Seagulls: 1
Dogs Yelled At: 1
Idiotic Assaults: 1

Poem Titles Re-Written for Hipster Audiences

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hipsterpoet

Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening to Vomit PBR into a Bush

Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night Without a Double-Breasted Peacoat.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Tattoo Sings

Do Not Stand at my 5th Floor Bed-Stuy Walkup and Weep

No Man’s Mustache is an Island

All That is Gold Feather Earrings Does Not Glitter

Oh Captain Hat! My Captain Hat!

“In Flanders Field” Check-in on Foursquare

there’s no post today

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…because I fell asleep with my laptop open.

Turns out it’s a busy time for Clam editors. But we are actually working behind the scenes on some projects you’ll get to see soon.

Sorry about the post (not really, it’s free entertainment), but you’ll get one tomorrow.

I need a nap.

Wicked Tuna: Season 4 Premier Recap!

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Oh my Clams Casino, are you guys as excited as I am for the return of Wicked Tuna? So confession: I missed the Season Premier of Wicked Tuna last Sunday. I skipped town for a few days and went to Atlantic City with my husband – apparently I am a 73 year old woman from Cos Cob named Geraldine who chainsmokes Virginia Slims and putters about on a motorized scooter, and not a 31 year old with pink hair and an elaborate knowledge of memes. Who knew? Anyway that’s why this update is a week behind the air date. My bad.

Anyway the episode starts off on opening day with some changes. Looks like Paul Hebert has a new boat again, the Kelly Ann, with a whole new bunch of people to yell at, which is just fantastic. Also Tyler fired all the kids on Stonerboat and replaced them with experienced fishermen, one of which unsurprisingly looks like a stoner kid. The Hot Tuna has an additional hirsute family member aboard, the Hard Merchandise is still one lag bolt away from falling apart in the ocean, and the Tuna.com is pretty much the same as last year.

 

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

Every boat gets to where they put lines in the water while they recap last year and awkwardly explain how fishing works in general, and then there’s a Big Dramatic Moment where everyone is waiting for the first bite. And the winner is Paul Hebert and his random boat with random people! Hooray!

Also Hot Tuna and Pinwheel get bites. And then, ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds into the episode comes the first “We need this fish!” That means you take a drink, for those of you watching at home. Our Favorite Catch Phrase is uttered by Tyler’s new vaguely familiar looking crew member, who apparently will not be putting up with any tomfoolery as he is older and has a family. The other crew member looks like he got lost on his way to a homemade skateboarding video shoot. Did they shanghai a twelve year old?

bro!

bro!

Turns out the Hot Tuna actually caught a shark, Paul’s Rando Boat’s line snapped, and it ends up that the Pinwheel wins the Wheel O’ Fish. And in the special bonus round, they also get the second fish of the season AND THEN THE THIRD before another boat catches anything else. I’m sure many celebratory bong hits were ripped because they just kicked everyone else’s ass.

Over on the Hot Tuna, everyone still has plenty of majestic facial hair. They should really just call this boat Four Beards and A Dog. They finally catch a fish. I kind of spaced out at this point but the dog was barking the entire time, I’m sure. Where does that dog take a crap, anyway? Things I wonder about.

Hard Merchandise catches nothing but also doesn’t sink, so bonus really. The last segment has the Tuna.com catching something.

Looks legit.

Looks legit.

At the end of the episode, Stonerboat decides to do some kind of surfing thing that seems like it will most certainly result in grevious bodily harm. The episode ends, but since I’m a week behind, I must soldier on, steadfast in my resolve to watch this show and recap it for you so you don’t have to waste an hour of your lives. I can do another episode tonight. How much margarita mix do I have left?

Episode 1 Stats:

Tunas caught: 5

“We need this fish!” count: 2

Margaritas consumed: 2.3

Times I paused the episode to re-examine my life choices: 3

 

(Obvious Disclaimer Before Folks Get Mad: The majority of cast members of Wicked Tuna are on the whole, good dudes – especially Dave Cararro, who was probably the nicest customer I’ve ever had. I’m being sarcastic in my write-up of this show. I would probably drink with any of these guys.)

Parking Space Savers. Let’s just not.

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You know what I’ve always hated with the fiery heat of a million suns? The idea of space savers. We don’t see them in Gloucester – and I’ll explain that part later – but in Boston, they’re a storied tradition of selfishness and “I got mine so fuck off” entitlement. They turn everyone into assholes. I mean, bigger assholes than usual. And they shouldn’t be allowed anymore. This asinine tradition is out of control, it’s gotten to the breaking point, and we all just need to grow the fuck up.

OK, it happened in Gloucester this one time last week but seriously who is this guy?

OK, it happened in Gloucester this one time last week but seriously who is this guy?

Let me let you in on something here, before we go any further: YOU PARKED ON A PUBLIC STREET. YOU DO NOT OWN A SPOT ON A PUBLIC STREET. IT IS NOT YOURS.

I’ve had this fight a ton of times before. It’s not like I don’t see the inherent unfairness of taking an hour, or more, to shovel out your car and go to work, only when you get back, there’s someone else in that space. “What the hell”, you think. “That’s not fair“. Well, that car belongs to someone else. Someone who probably, let me reach here, also most likely shoveled out a space in order to leave where they were during the storm to get to where they are now, which is “your spot”. They probably didn’t drive from Florida just to show up on your street, and if they did, maybe they need to pee so just let them park.

There’s such egregious selfishness in putting a bookcase, set of lawn darts, or your least favorite kid out on your street for days so you, only precious, special you, can use it, so no one else who needs a spot, even for twenty fucking minutes while you’re at your shitty job for the next eight hours. Here’s the thing: people need to do shit on your street. Grandmothers need to babysit grandkids. Visiting nurses need to help the elderly. Someone may have a friend visiting overnight. People that don’t live on your street? THEY CAN PARK THERE. BECAUSE AGAIN, IT’S A FUCKING PUBLIC STREET.

GRONK OWN STREET NOW.

GRONK OWN STREET NOW.

 

“WAH BUT I SHOVELED WAAAH IT WAS SO HARD! IT WAS WORSE THAN CHOLERA!” Okay, you know what? There’s a simple way to fix this (hint: sarcasm). It’s how we do it in Gloucester – you just don’t get to park on the street during a snow emergency. Any street, anywhere. That makes it easy – plows just plow the parking lane! Hooray, everybody gets to park after it’s all done! But it makes it a real fucking goddamn pain in the ass for you – hope you can find another place to park for a couple days, and then dig out of that spot just like you’d do at home. Hint: bring a shovel on the non-working T to go find your car. Oh, you can’t? It would be a bigger pain than shoveling out your car? See, we’re getting somewhere. Shoveling your car out is the price you pay for the convenience of parking on a public street by your residence during a snowstorm. Full stop.  And those unshoveled spots on your street are ALSO YOUR FAULT because plows can’t get to them since your car and your neighbors’ cars block access. So instead of whining about “your” space, dig out another one. Because that’s how shit works in the real world. You don’t like it? Well, you can always pay for a garage space somewhere.

The biggest argument against space savers is the absolutely fucking stupid vigilante shit that happens in its wake. People who aren’t aware of Boston’s storied idiotic tradition get their cars dumped on, or they get their tires slashed, or they get shot. It is not okay to do these things, ever. But clearly the sense of entitlement is so deep with space savers that it suddenly becomes okay to do thousands of dollars of property damage to some low-income transplant who cleans houses on your street, or some visiting CNA who makes $11 an hour to make sure your 99 year old neighbor isn’t dead on her floor. The worst part is that Menino (God rest his awesome soul) gave his tacit approval to the practice by declaring all space savers be removed within 48 hours.

“But my neighbor is ever so lazy and just waits for us to do the hard work!” Okay, so here’s a quick thought: maybe talk to your neighbor, like an adult, and see what the deal is. Maybe you don’t realize your neighbor is battling a health issue. Maybe your neighbor is lazy as shit after all. But that doesn’t mean you put broken TVs in the road and slash tires. Thankfully, the South End finally stood up and said “this is stupid, and it needs to stop”, and apparently they are not putting up with parking tomfoolery, horseplay, or shenanigans. From the Globe:

“This is a criminal act of vandalism. This is not a quaint Boston custom gone awry,” said Stephen Fox, cochairman of the South End Forum. “This is something that is intolerable in an urban environment, and it needs to be treated as a crime and not with a shoulder shrug.”

I’m done with this shit. Just ban fucking parking during storms, so people can stop acting like whiny babies and other people stop acting like it’s okay to be a giant assweasel.