Author: admin

9:23 PM:

I have survived the 100 yard walk to the Rhumbline. I have ordered a hot turkey sandwich and several beers. The snow is kind of horizontal but not accumulating much.

Booze.

5:30 PM

KT reporting live from downtown neah the train station.

It was close, but I think I’m finally prepared for this asshole storm for jerks. I made a last stop at Turtle Alley and Liquor Locker for the provisions we couldn’t live without. Apparently I may have looked desperate and hopeless as I approached the Liquor Locker, as Lara Lepionka lovingly recreated in the photo below:

RUN GIRL THERE AIN’T MUCH TIME

I picked up my older kid at EGS, which had not yet been swallowed whole by mass panic and/or whatever Jim was talking about, and then came home. And I’m not even dead yet. I have like a whole jar of Fluff, some macaroni and cheese, and an entire leftover ¼ sheet birthday cake (chocolate AND vanilla, like a boss) AND TWENTY FOUR DELICIOUS BEERS. We have jockeyed cars in our driveway so our neighbors can fit in and don’t have to go all the way to the high school. We are GOOD TO GO. I mean, okay, we have electric heat, but whatever, if the power goes out the dog can keep us warm all night with his farts.

I think Jim’s overreacting. We’re totally all gonna be fine. Super fine. Nothing to worry about at all.

1:20pm STORES ARE OUT OF ESSENTIAL SUPPLIES

Jim Dowd reporting from East Gloucester

Hello readers, I am not certain that my neighborhood better know as “Eglo” is ready for the tribulation to come. First off, no one can find any duck fat anywhere. I am worried about crowds of marauders possibly trying to break into Duckworth’s Bistro in search of it, just their very name is suggestive of its crisping deliciousness.

“Braaaains comfiiiit!”

Second, though like any “Black Swan” event it all seems predictable in retrospect, how were we to know ukeleles did not perform well in the cold? Of course it makes sense NOW, they are obviously a tropical instrument in a temperate climate. Obvioulsy there would be adaptation issues, but who knew they would all go out of tune at the same time? If the power goes out I fear we shall have to switch to the recorder in order to perform the Wilco covers necessary to see us through the dark times ahead.

3:39 STORMTROOPERS ARE ON MOUNT PLEASANT AVE! I REPEAT, THERE ARE STOPRMTROOPERS ON MOUNT……*static*

More useful than those stupid Humvees the cops got, that’s for sure

Picket forces at the third marker near The Last Stop have reported AT-ATs approaching Gloucester! This is likely the vanguard force of the 501st Imperial Legion led by Major General Maximilian Veers. They will head for the power generators first, taking down the turbines at the Blackburn Industrial Center then head toward downtown. The evacuation point is O’Maley where transports will be waiting. And yes, it only takes two X-Wings to escort them because duh, ion cannon.

Good Luck and may the Force be with you.

I had a conversation with Jim earlier this week during a Clam-related meeting about content and posting schedule. “James!” I lamented, “It appears my input here at the Gloucester Clam (TM) has led to a job writing blog posts and managing social media part time. As that will actually be paying me, and your clientele is also picking up, what shall we do? Six days of blog posts is a lot for the two of us to tackle!” So we came up with “Fuck It Mondays.”

The premise of Fuck It Mondays is this: We see a lot of ridiculous stuff on Facebook and Twitter all week long. Why are we not aggregating the best of it into a blog post and sharing it with you? I’m not talking a direct “ten puppies you won’t believe have no toes!” list, but you know, shit that’s hilarious.

So here we are. Brooke, Jim and myself will team up to bring you some of the best shit we saw all week. You’re welcome.

This video is old as garlic balls, apparently, but here on Island of Moms Who Don’t Leave Gloucester, we have just found it (thanks Amanda Cook).

Although my allegiance lies deeply rooted in Gloucester, it’s necessary to branch out once in awhile and see what some of the other nearby cities are up to. Apparently other cities do cool shit, too (occasionally). Our friend and occasional Clamtributor Josh Turiel, after all, is city councilor down in Salem and is always trying to convince us of its superiority. Do they have a dumpling place and the Greasy Pole? No? Not interested, sir.

But! Today on The Facebooks (TM), I was alerted to the existence of an event so great, so magnificent and brilliant an idea that drool immediately formed in the corners of my mouth and I became Homer-esque in my desire.

Please don’t sue, Matt Groening.

There it was: The Great Salem Mayonnaise Challenge of 2015. Holy crap. That sounds like a party. I mean, okay, at first I will admit I thought it was perhaps one of those challenge diets where you only eat things served in 16 ounce jars and labeled “refrigerate after opening” (my favorite of those being the Grape Jelly challenge). But, no, it’s not that at all (and apparently that’s not a real thing and I just ate a lot of jelly for no reason). Boo hiss.

What it is – a blind taste test featuring the top jarred mayonnaise brands (Cain’s, Hellman’s, Whole Foods) as well as the Ugly Mug‘s homemade and possibly other fresh-made options as well. It’s going on down next Wednesday, January 28th at 6:30 PM at the Ugly Mug diner, which is a fun place to eat and despite our great breakfast joints in G-town, I wish they’d put one up here as well. Maybe just nuke Friendly’s from orbit and take that space. Sorry, Friendly’s.

internet, what are you even giving me here

Judges will taste the mayonnaise plain (yum, what’s better than a big heaping spoonful of nothin’ but emulsion?), on bread, and on bread with meat/cheese (formerly known as “a sandwich”). No lying, I’d totally judge this. I love mayonnaise. I fucking LOOOOVE mayonnaise. LOVE IT. I hope half of you reading this are trying not to vomit silently into your office trash barrel so no one knows you’re goofing off during a conference call. That’s what you get. I love it smeared on Steak and Cheese subs until everything is a disgusting shade of grey. Cheeseburgers.  Potato salad. GOD YES, PASTA SALAD. I don’t want to live in a world without mayonnaise. (My husband grew up in a household where it was smeared on microwaved chicken and jello salad, the poor boy. I have my limit).

I feel those feels, copy machine!

“But KT,” you say, “this is child’s play. Frippery at best. There are so many serious problems in the world, why are you wasting your precious journalism talents on this? It’s mayonnaise!” Oh, but you’d be wrong. I reached out to Josh Turiel, who explained how important this quest was.

 “I’m glad that here in Salem we can conclusively deal with serious questions like this one. Finding the best mayo is the kind of thing that we need to do here before we can move on to bring peace and prosperity to the world.”

See? This is a necessary endeavor for the Ugly Mug and the Salem Food Digest to undertake in the road towards ceasing man’s unrelenting bloodthirst towards his own species, and we must support them.

I’m totally going, especially if I can eat mayonnaise in front of people (somehow there’s probably a rule 34 involving public consumption of plain mayo). Hell yeah.