Clam Olympics Week: Opening Ceremony!

Since we’re dedicating this week as Olympics Week after the news that Boston has been chosen as America’s Olympic bid for Summer 2024, let’s talk about one of the coolest things about the Olympics: The Opening Ceremony. It’s a hella expensive ($100 million for Beijing in 2008), over-the top, bombastic event. So of course, Boston would have to go all-out for it, because we are wicked fahkin’ good at over-the-top, guy.  Here’s some ideas for the perfect Boston 2024 Opening Ceremony:

– A ramp is built into the temporary stadium so a Green Line car can jump a line of duckboats, go through a ring of fire, and land in the middle of the stadium. Unfortunately, it stops for sixty seconds at the bottom of the ramp due to signaling issues and a possible track fire at Copley.

– Matt Damon will star as Paul Revere, with Ben Affleck as his horse, in a dramatic live re-enactment of his Midnight Ride while “More than a Feeling” is played by the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

– There will be a 5-minute long video tribute to Mr. Butch.

– A portion of the artistic program will be dance troupes doing a synchronized jaywalking routine across a scale copy of Commonwealth Ave at BU, while cars approach at breakneck speed. (Memo: see if insurance rider covers this kind of thing). It will be set to a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song. One of the good ones.

– There will be a segment dedicated to Boston’s local fixtures, who will appear live . For instance, that guy that hands out pamphlets about burning in hell, the kid who claims he needs to get to detox in Worcester one day, then claims he has to go visit his aunt in Fitchburg the next, and Keytar Bear.

I had to convince Jim that Keytar Bear was a real thing.

I had to convince Jim that Keytar Bear was a real thing.

– A ballet recreation of the 1994 Green Day Riot.

– Marky Mark. He doesn’t really have to do anything, just show up and maybe throw cheeseburgers into the crowd and try not to beat anybody.

–  Neil Diamond shows up late to play Sweet Caroline because someone moved the lawn chair he had reserving his spot on W. Broadway.

– You have to check the back of the Phoenix or call Mission Control to get the info on the afterparty.

 

 

 

 

The Gloucester Clam Presents: OLYMPIC WEEK!

Aloha, worldwide Clampetitors! Are you totes stoked for 2024, the year the Summer Olympics come to our fair city of Boston? Well you should be, because if current trends hold two things are guaranteed: Increasing polar ice melt will place much of the city known as “The Hub” under six feet of water, submerging the proposed Olympic stadium location as well as the majority of the transportation infrastructure; and, as local media outlets continue to fail at an increasing rate, the highly-profitable* Gloucester Clam stands to clean up on lucrative event coverage contracts!

Fun times all around!

We here in Clammedia Tower try and take the long view on things, remembering that nine years is a long time. A lot will have changed in nearly a decade. For instance, Steven Tyler will finally be able to sing the National Anthem as a well-dressed, elderly Italian lady, as his slow transformation will be fully complete by then.

Let's face it, he's pretty close.

Let’s face it, he’s pretty close.

Having the Olympics in Boston is a stellar plan that can really help us get our city on the map. I mean, who the hell is ever visiting Boston? No one, that’s who. Since we have so few important historic places or any notable hospitals, museums, or institutions of higher education, we could really use a boost in tourism from people across the globe who watch us on TV for a few weeks and then forget we exist. Stop whining, haters like No Boston Olympics, who keep bringing up stuff like “we will lose money” and “it will be a nightmare.”

First of all, we get a probably temporary stadium that will seat 60,000 obese Americans in the bowels of Southie. This is a great idea! World-class athletes can walk around and take in the character of South Boston. I mean, hopefully most of the summer Olympians are white and straight. Right? I’m sure it will be super easy to take apart afterwards and cause little to no disruption. Trust me, I watch Bob the Builder, I know thing or two. For instance, can we build it? Yes we can.

Can you imagine the Torch relay winding through Southie? It’ll be like St. Patrick’s day mashed up with the Marathon. On live TV at the Opening Ceremony, some 22 year old named Brandon will stumble into the middle of the street and vomit Bud Light.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Which brings us to our next point: THE MASCOT POSSIBILITIES. You’re damn right the Olympics have mascots. For instance, Sydney had Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat. Boston’s mascot should represent our deep-rooted traditions and history. Our marketing forces here at the Clam have come up with the perfect mascot to represent our people in 2024.

"Sully"

Joseph “Sully”Sullivan, Age 23.

Sully’s what we’re all about. He’s the everyman in mascot form. He’s an international finance major who can shotgun a tallboy of High Life and also explain in great detail how Claude Julien’s coaching system is still working. He’s been arrested a couple times for disorderly conduct, and he once peed onto the Pike from the Mass Ave overpass, but he’s not a bad dude. He likes Jay-Z and the Rolling Stones. His hobbies are golfing, going to the Cask N’ Flagon, and doing burnouts in his WRX. He’s been to two Eagles concerts and Ultra in Miami.

The captions write themselves.

The captions write themselves.

There’s no more relatable character that can tie into in our rich history of boating and Irish roots than Sully. He’s the perfect mascot. And best of all, Sully can be easily talked into performing at the opening ceremonies for a pony keg of Natty Ice and a portable Weber grill. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Stay tuned – the Clam’s got more Boston 2024 coverage coming up tomorrow, with our suggestions for new summer Olympic sports based on our local pastimes. And maybe we’ll check in on Sully.

*(lies)

[Thanks to my brother, Joe, for letting me make fun of his bro-likeness]

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North Vs South, Episode #5, “Ice Ice Tuna.”

We’re back with another recap of Wicked Tuna, North vs South. If you’re just tuning in, I recap this show so no one else has to watch it. It started off as kind of a dare – “Let’s watch a show about fishing in our town when I’ve never fished on a boat!” And now it’s kind of grown on me like some terrible Stockholm Syndrome where I kind of empathize with some of these folks. Mostly I don’t though, because I’m a sociopath. Anyway, continuing on!

We start off with a man screaming in a Southern drawl. I didn’t even need to type that sentence, I just imagine you all assume, correctly, that every episode starts like that. Let’s just skip that part next time. ‘WE’REJUST OUT HURR AND THE WIND’S LIKE 25, 35, AND WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR GIANT BLUEFIN TUNA!” No fucking shit. And here I was, thinking this was a PBS special on whatever submersible Woods Hole is working on these days. Thank you for the clarification, good sir.

Anyway I can tell in advance that the entire freakin’ plotline of this episode is going to be based on some storm rolling in. One of the more well-spoken Southern gents explains to us about the inherent dangers of the ocean, and there’s a bunch of clouds in the trailer preview, so I’m guessing there will be more screaming and wacky camera angles than usual. They go on about how you can easily be knocked overboard by a wave and I’m like “arggh wear a lifejacket at least!”

That seems safe.

That seems safe.

 

Oh my god, the first “We need this fish bad!” And we’re 3 minutes into it. I aim to drink every time they say it. At this rate, with this episode, I may never actually make it to the Rhumbline to continue drinking.  I guess this is the Fishing Frenzy, they get the fish eventually, and emit a lot of unintelligible screaming in the process.

The Wahoo takes a look at the weather, realizes there’s no fish anyway, and says “fuck it” and heads to shore. This is a good and smart decision.

You know what’s weird in this show? No matter how little money they get for the fish or how small it is, they’re always SUPER EXCITED ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY THEY JUST MADE. It must be some kind of weird contractual obligation.

Hooray. Don't scream until the camera pans away.

Hooray. Don’t scream until the camera pans away.

 

Over on Stonerboat, a Coast Guard plane does a couple of warning passes, and Tyler realizes they usually don’t just do that for shits and giggles (or maybe they do, I’m no nautical expert here). So, they head in. There’s a cool fast-motion shot of this huge-ass Cloud Of Pain and Snow rolling in.

promising

 

Fast forward to tomorrow! There’s tons of snow and ice and stuff from this storm! Oh, this makes working hard! The Hot Tuna keeps breaking through ice to get out of the harbor, but it gets real dramatic-like. “It’s super sketchy, I ain’t gonna lie!” You tell it like it is.

“We’re not gonna make it, man!” DUN DUN DUNNNN.

I expected the ending of Titanic, but instead they turn around and head back, and the first mate with the super long last name jumps out of the boat onto the dock and slips on the ice in a hilarious manner slightly off-camera. There’s nothing I like more than slapstick comedy where no one is seriously injured, so that made watching the rest of this hot mess worth it.

Dave Marciano goes on about how easy it is to sink boats and damage them by going out when they’re not supposed to, so they, too, stay in. I’m hoping at this point there’s just a big scene of everyone taking a snow day and going bowling because it would make this more palatable.

Over on Stonerboat, they say “We’re Gloucestermen! Let’s try it!” Which is what I’m going to yell every time I get drunk and do something stupid in the general downtown area (spoiler alert: this is often).

They get to the same spot where the Hot Tuna gave up and tucked tail for Pizza Bagels and Netflix, and Paul Hebert yells “It’s thicker than you think!” I chuckle, because I am twelve. They somehow actually manage to Ice Dance their way out of there, but other boats are more concerned with the old “not dying” trick, so they’re on their own for now. They go to a perfectly timed commercial break as it appears the boat is about to sink, but probably after we come back will turn out to only be a slightly rolling wave hitting it. Reality TV! Hooray!

Spoiler alert: THAT WAS ACTUALLY WHAT IT WAS. A SMALL WAVE BROKE OVER THE BOAT AND THEY SAID WOOHOO AND KEPT GOING. NAT GEO BILLED THIS LIKE DANGER WAS AFOOT.  THIS IS WHY I HATE REALITY TV SO MUCH.

Multitasking!

Multitasking!

The Wahoo, which I’ve by now realized contains the more well-spoken and less “shooting our guns indiscriminantly at the water” crew of the Southern boats, catches a fish. I think this is the only boat where they don’t need to use captions.

On the Hard Merchandise, the fantabulous world of double-entendres continues with Dave yelling “Pop ’em off! I don’t wanna lose my fingers!” Which is what all the boys say to me, or something. I’m pretty sure he also yells “you’re too far down in the gap!” But I can’t be sure. I need captions. “All packaged up like a nice Christmas sausage!” This can’t possibly be accidental.

In one of the final scenes, someone says “I hope the curtains match the carpet!” in regards to the inside of a fish.

The Pinwheel stays out kinda late, and almost has engine problems that would have left them dead in the water during a dangerous storm. Man, this is not an easy way to make a living.

Some boats make money. Others don’t.

Fin.

 

 

 

 

 

Top Ten New Years’ Resolutions for Gloucester

We pulled a couple of all-nighters to ask every single man, woman, and child in our city what their New Years’ resolutions were for 2015. In the dead of night, we finished compiling the top ten resolutions Gloucester residents have. Et Voila!

10. Throw Fewer Nips on the Ground. Not “none”, but “fewer.” We’re only human, we can only do so much at once.

9. Put a little more effort into covering our soiled mattresses while they are curbside in front of our business.

8. Stop referring to neighboring towns as “Sexex”, “Shitwich”, “Cockport”, and “Menchest by the Semen.”

7. Cut down on parking directly in crosswalks or intersections.

6. Resist the urge to, just once, rev your Subaru’s engine when the cut bridge is going up, and do a Dukes of Hazzard up and over that thing to sweet, sweet freedom.

5. Don’t punch Tony at Fiesta. Yeah, he deserves it, but don’t punch him. You’re on probation until August.

4. When trying to get a tardy coworker out their domicile at 4:45am on the way to a work engagement, text first and knock second. “Honking in their driveway” is no longer an option.

3. Put a dollar in the “Fuller School” jar every time you mention how its limitless potential was squandered.

2. Wait until at least 20 minutes after a successful YMCA workout before lighting up a Marlboro Red and putting your pajamas back on.

1. Refrain from demanding awkward, unenforceable preconditions to local government appointments.

Breaking: Mayor Resigns to Join Cthulhu Administration

Ending weeks of speculation, today it was announced that Mayor Carolyn Kirk will resign as the mayor of Gloucester to join the administration of Cthulhu.

“I look forward to being able to work with, and for, the citizens of not just Gloucester, but Ry’leh, Innsmouth, and Arkham, in my new job in the Executive Office of Housing and Economic Development sector of the incoming administration. No longer shall we be a nightmare corpse-city” she said via Skype, setting up her underwater office, ” Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” 

It had been long rumored that Kirk would make this jump, having lobbied hard for Cthulhu during voting season.