No Snark Sunday: Holiday Break

A few weeks ago, we had a Gloucester Clam Companywide Meeting and decided to institute some vacation days so we could spend the holidays with our (loud, awesome) families. Today will be the last day of content until January 5, 2015. Probably. We may update here and there, if the mood strikes us.

As we take a look back at this year, it’s impossible not to be proud, if a little terrified, of what we’ve accomplished.

When Jim Dowd and I started the Gloucester Clam on an internet dare, we thought its readership wouldn’t get too far outside our local social circle. Instead, we got nearly half a million hits in the little over six months we’ve been blogging. People stop us in the street and talk to us about the Clam. We are now taken seriously by organizations who want to get their message out via No Snark Sunday. It’s unexpected, but kind of great. Don’t they know we swear? We swear a lot. It’s kind of our fucking thing.

We’ve had our share of detractors since we began, naturally. One of the more irritating complaints we occasionally get is “Why are you complaining about our city instead of making it better?” Seriously? Jim, myself, and the other contributors to this blog work tirelessly to make this city a better place for ourselves, our kids, and everyone else’s kids as well, across the board. You can like a place and make it better as well as occasionally call out the hot mess of ridiculousness that exists within the city limits. Jim, for instance, donates his many hours of free time (ha) to so many school and neighborhood projects, it’s fucking unbelievable. I’m not sure he actually has time to sleep at night. I spent years as a business owner, donating to a TON of local causes, despite barely bringing home enough to stay afloat. We’re both here to make this place better, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a total garbage person.

A few folks, as well (probably the same 3 people) have been irrationally bothered by our irreverent tone. “How dare you make fun of MY city?” was one of the comments we got from someone who decided their Facebook profile picture should be themselves shirtless and sunburned, drinking Twisted Tea. Of course his baseball hat was backwards, you shan’t need to wonder about that. The thing is, it’s not your city, porkchop. It’s EVERYONE’s city. I think we’ve done well at pushing back against the idea that only the voices here since birth matter, and that we can’t make fun of ourselves here as a collective. We emanate from our core a self-deprecating style of humor that 99% of people get, but a few folks will never understand. It’s not our job to reach those folks, unless we take out ad space on cartons of Hot Pockets, and that’s far beyond our marketing budget.

 

We call him Satire Stan.

We call him Satire Stan.

 

I’m proud of the ragtag, hipster, nerd community the Gloucester Clam has built. It’s brought so many like-minded folks together to not only laugh, but also really take a deeper look at issues – to really think. I’m proud of our voice: opinionated and brash, but witty, smart, and empathetic. And I’m proud of every contributor who’s added their two cents to the pile o’ change we’ve got going on.

Enjoy the holidays, everyone. We’ll be back soon!

 

 

12 Days of Christmas: Gloucester Style

12-days-title

 

 

On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
A Drone stuck in a Tree

On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the third day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Ten Terrible Fuller School Ideas
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eleven Overly Enthusiastic Tuna Fishermen
Ten Terrible Fuller School Ideas
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Twelve Middle Aged Men Drunk on a Tuesday at Noon
Eleven Overly Enthusiastic Tuna Fishermen
Ten Terrible Fuller School Ideas
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

Kt Updates From Vacation

Yo, Clams and Clamettes! I’m hollering at you from sunny Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I’m on the 19th floor of a sweet-ass apartment building my friends live in, and they’re the kind of responsible adults who have a guest bedroom, so here I am. I’m here without my husband and kids for my birthday, which is kind of freakin’ awesome, although I miss their faces. I’ve never really been to Fort Lauderdale, just Miami once and that place was oddly terrifying. Lamborghinis and pastel-colored neon signs and shit.

But FLL is kind of like Gloucester. Hear me out!

1. Boat parade! This past Saturday was their yearly boat parade. Just like ours in Gloucester, everyone here puts lights all over their boats and goes down the river to the ocean. However, down here, the boats are mostly yachts and the parade’s grand marshall was Flo-Rida. Naturally. Also they had a Cheers boat that played the Cheers theme while it floated by. And a General Lee decorated boat that just blasted Black Betty on repeat, lest you forget you’re in fucking Florida.

Just like Gloucester!

Just like Gloucester!

2. Painted sidewalks. Actually, they have whole freakin’ painted intersections here. I’m not really sure how they get them to last, I assume they have to repaint them all the dang time. There are probably people down here whining about them, too.

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Ooh, arty!

3. Art. There’s art here too. It’s just…different. Instead of our local collaboratives like the Hive, I keep passing fancypants “fine art” stores on my walks, and they all have the most garish shit imaginable.

I don't even know.

I don’t even know.

There are people that would buy this unironically. I don't want to know them.

There are people that would buy this unironically. I don’t want to know them.

EDIT: Also, I just realized there is a neighborhood called Lauderdale-By-The-Sea. NOT KIDDING.

 

That’s probably the end of the similarities, and I need to go relax after a hard day of doing nothing, so here:

20141215_155146

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

Things You Can’t Do At Our Party

So as most of you know, tonight’s our Inappropriate Office Party. We tried to go rule-free, but since you people can’t be trusted anymore, we reflected on former mishaps and decided to lay out some basic ground rules:

1. No propane tanks.

2. No vaping.

3. Access to lasagna tray is not determined by the winner of a slap-off.

4. Steampunks: Our dirigible parking is limited. Call for details.

5. No Nicholas Cage Body Suits, you creeps.

nic-cage-body-suit-halloween-costume-5

seriously why would anyone

 

6.  No cupping of one another’s genitals, no matter how fervent the desire of both parties.

7.  No recruiting others into pyramid schemes.

8. You have to wear some kind of pants or skirt. A long trenchcoat is unacceptable.

9. Anyone uttering the phrase “You know what? I’d like to go see Kid Rock in concert” will be immediately ejected.

10. No mention, ever, by anyone, of the song “Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey.” I’M SERIOUS.

 

(Obviously we’re kidding. The only rules are no drugs, no ukeleles, no accordians, no harmonicas, no other hipster instruments, no one under 21, no Little Drummer Boy, no doing anything douchey, and no actual live clams or goats.)