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The Gloucester Clam’s Definitive Gift Guide For the Holidays – Part 2

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If you enjoyed our first installment of our Holiday Gift Guide, we’re back today with a second helping. Let the Gloucester Clam escort you through the confusing world of retail shopping with the following great gift ideas. From family to friends, coworkers, or that guy that kind of nods off on your front steps every now and again, the Clam’s got you covered with items that will wow you at any price point.

 

The Four Device Charging Paper Towel Holder

 

 

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Are you in the market for a gift for a family of four who wants to charge their phones together in an awkward pile in the kitchen? If so, look no further than Hammacher Schlemmer’s Four Device Charging Paper Towel holder. Made of equal parts frustrating and useless, it also comes with a decorative wine stopper for some reason. I’ve been saying for years that the best place for all your expensive electronics is directly underneath where your hands go when they need to be dried, and finally Hammacher Schlemmer listened! It has a weighted, non-slip rubber bottom (don’t we all). $49.95.

Desktop Drumset

 

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For the coworker that isn’t irritating enough, why not give the gift of the Desktop Drumset? Let’s face it: nobody likes a silent, productive workplace, no matter what they or HR say about it. Now you can send everyone in Accounting straight to the migraine zone with this 7-piece set that includes 6″ center tom-tom, two 4-1/2″ tom-toms, crash cymbal, drum stand and a pair of drum sticks. It looks like it was made for Ringo Starr on Shining Time Station. Hold me closer, tiny drumset!  This totally worthwhile use of your money is a mere $12.98.

NFL Player Blanket

 

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Sweet Christ Almighty Hallelujah, let’s all celebrate our social acceptance of domestic violence and debilitating head injuries with this classy NFL “blanket” from Harriett Carter (where else), where they boast, “slip it on and look like a gridiron star as the cozy fleece covers you from shoulders to toes. Lets you move freely to stretch, cheer or go grab snacks!” This gift is great for the sports fan for whom snack-grabbing is the most physically challenging part of the day. Remind them to stretch first.

I was under the impression the Snuggie was terrifying enough in and of itself, but the knockoff Snuggie offerings are even worse.  Plus I’m pretty sure the model for the above NFL Player Blanket is on a non-minimal amount of horse tranquilizers. Anyway, if you’re questioning why this item is a must-have, look no further than helpful reviewer “Louelliss”, who writes “I sleep on a recliner instead of using a bed, and this blanket pretty much guarantees it won’t go sliding off during the night.”  The struggle is real. You show gravity who’s boss, Louelliss! Only $21.98. Choice of 10 barely decent teams.

Garden Hands

 

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Behold the magic that is Garden Hands. If you would like to inflict on someone the agony of repeatedly bending over awkwardly and wrenching their back, this is the perfect gift for whatever hell-person you’re buying it for. Stupid, useless “rakes” are a thing of the past when you can use gigantic freakin’ garden hands to pick up all your leaves like some kind of inhuman monster (or Buster Bluth). Garden Hands are also useful for chasing panicked, screaming children while laughing and waving maniacally, or picking up dog poop and slinging it effortlessly at passing cars like a game of feces Jai Alai. Also useful if you’re up a creek with no paddle. It is not possible to eat while wearing Garden Hands. Curse you, Garden Hands. Made of durable, rinse-clean plastic. $14.98.

High Waist Control Boxers

 

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Ladies, let’s face it – we aren’t the only ones whose bodies changed after the kids came, so why are we the only ones with control tops? Why not say “dude you’ve let yourself go” this holiday season with Skymall’s High Waist Control Boxer Briefs for men? These fast-drying microfiber wondershorts give ab definition without all that difficult and time-consuming exercise or having to put down the Doritos. It has a supportive pouch that lifts and protects the delicate manparts that probably need all the lifting and protecting they can get at this point. It’s “all you need during workouts.” To hell with pants or a shirt, the gym bunnies will come a runnin’ when your gift recipient crawls sweating profusely off the elliptical machine in this ensemble. It is a known fact no one who needs this item looks anything like the above model. $37, comes in black or white.

Stay tuned next week for a third edition of our Gift Guide for the affluent gift giver.

The Gloucester Clam’s Definitive Gift Guide for the Holidays – Part 1

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Don’t know what to get for that special someone? Shopping for the Holiday season is tough! Not as tough as like, crop failure, or living in a place that lacks clean drinking water, but still – the struggle is real! Let the Gloucester Clam help you in your “finding the right gift” vision . We’ve teamed up with some of the leading retailers to bring you a smattering of quality gift options for everyone in your life.

Wood-Tone Power Strip

 

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From the astute problem solvers over at Harriet Carter, we have this useful little minx of a gift right here. Wood tone power strips! Perfect for the person in your life who you don’t love and never will. “No more ugly, hard-to-hide surge protectors—this one is designed to stylishly ‘disappear’ into your wood grain flooring.” Who wants to see a power strip before they step on it? No one, that’s who. It comes in two stylish colors, Cherry and Dark Oak, and is a mere $17.98, which is about $10 more than a power strip you can actually see while you’re struggling to plug in all the stupid fucking entertainment center cables.

Selfie Stick

 

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We all have this problem when visiting one of the Seven Wonders of the World – you can’t get your stupid grinning tourist face into the foreground! Now you have a great gift to give to friends or family with stupid grinning tourist faces – the Selfie Stick! The Selfie Stick is a fantastic gift item for the person in your life who has a complete disregard for their own dignity and self-respect.  The Selfie Stick extends from 8″ to 39″ and attaches to any smartphone or camera in an undignified manner. Made of stainless steel and durable ABS plastic with a sure-grip handle. $9.98. A bargain at twice the price.

 

Binocular Visor

 

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What do you get for the creepy stalker who has everything? Why, the Binocular Visor, of course. The copy for this fanfuckingtastic gift states, “Why strap a pair of heavy binoculars around your neck?” (Yeah, like some kind of dick!) “Ingenious sun visor features binocular lenses built into the brim. No need to remove the visor to view; just pull down over your eyes for immediate 2.5X magnification! Perfect for sporting events, bird-watching, all kinds of outdoor activities!” All kinds like those exact two and barely those at that. What the fuck else would you use it for?

Oh, probably for scoping out ladies in yoga pants from across the park. Probably that.

This panty-dropping display of stunning male prowess features an adjustable head band and is made of durable plastic. It is also only $12.98.

 

Boozy Bass Bottle Holder

 

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Do you have someone in your life you can’t stand, but have to buy a gift for? Stupid question, of course you do. Why not dazzle them with the whimsical Boozy Bass Bottle Holder from perennial favorite last-resort reading material Skymall? Apparently, fish can drink wine. I’d drink a whole bottle too if I was a species facing eventual extinction. This delightful object d’art is made of high quality polyresin, fits all standard wine bottles (not boxes, you classless mess), and features a velvet backing, whatever that is. It’s $32.99, which doesn’t even include a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine, for chrissakes.

 

Wooden Toaster Tongs

 

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Our last gift idea of the day is great for the uncle that’s always involved in minor disasters involving electricity. For a gift that says “I don’t trust you to get through daily life without dying stupidly”, there’s the Vermont Country Store’s wooden toast tongs. If you’ve mashed your bread into your toaster with your meaty palms and can’t retrieve it, these toast tongs are perfect for fixing your awful mistakes. The best part is that it includes a magnet so it attaches to the sides of your probably-plastic-anyway toaster, so you don’t lose them. I mean, of course you’ll lose them behind the radiator at the first opportunity, but that’s really Uncle Todd’s problem. These beauties are $9.99.

 

Stay tuned for part 2 of our Holiday gift guide!

 

 

And the Crappiest Intersection in Gloucester goes to…

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Well, we’ve finally made it. We started with 16 of the crappiest intersections in town, and eliminated all but the Absolute Crappiest. Our final contestants were Flannagan Square and Maplewood/Railroad/Prospect, and the votes are in: Maplewood/Railroad/Prospect took it by a runaway margin!

Let’s face it: it was pretty clear to begin with that this was the absolute worst intersection Gloucester had to offer. You stick a buoy dead in the middle, you add in some broken pavement, crosswalks that have all but disappeared, 15 minute parking spots in front of Ocean Garden, then mix up a whole bunch of angry drivers who don’t know how to not block an intersection, et voila! That clusterfuck we know and love.

Blue ribbon 2Huzzah, Maplewood/Railroad/Prospect. You’ve earned your place as the worst godforsaken meeting of roads in this entire fuckin’ city. Good for you. What would we do without your lack of stop signs, your ability to confound tourists, or the ability of the intersection, through abysmal design, to completely lock up traffic if one person fucks it all up?

Thanks to all who voted in our contest. I’m sure our winner will bask in the glory.

NSS: Look For The Helpers, Always.

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“There’s only one rule that I know of, babies – Goddamn it, you’ve got to be kind.” – Vonnegut

 

 

One week ago it was announced that an American, Abdul-Rahman (formerly Peter) Kassig, who had been captured by ISIS in 2013, had been killed.

My heart broke, as just a few weeks prior my friend Erin had written a beautiful piece about their friendship during her time in Beirut. Her article also goes into detail about his aid work before his capture. It’s an amazing, but painful, read – I truly hope you take the time to read it. I’m proud to know Erin from her time in Boston before travelling for her PhD – she’s bright, amazing, and caring. And it cuts to my core that she’s suffering, and his friends and family are suffering, in the worst way possible. I’m a parent, and I can’t imagine how his parents are even sitting upright in the morning. How anyone survives day to day in the face of such unimaginable grief is a thing my brain cannot even comprehend.

Erin and Peter, Lebanon, 2012

Erin and Peter, Lebanon, 2012

What struck me immediately about Abdul-Rahman’s life was his sheer selflessness. He wasn’t a tourist. He wasn’t in this for selfish reasons. In the face of a horrid war, he was not satisfied until he helped get medical supplies and help to the wounded civilians who needed them most. How many of us would take that risk? How many would have done what he did? He put his life on the line to help people he didn’t know. He knew the risks, and he did it anyway. He knew he had a higher calling.

After horrible incidents of unspeakable evil, there is always the refrain that Mr. Rogers (patron saint of generation X and now the millenials) popularized – look for the helpers. Instead of wallowing in the unfairness, the pain, the violence, the hatred – turn that focus on the helpers. The folks who made a difference. The people who care about the most vulnerable of humanity so much that they are willing to put their lives on the line for it.

And Kassig was that person. He didn’t have to take those risks. He could have stayed home and helped here. He could have remained in college, remained an Army Ranger. He could have stayed helping Palestinians at a refugee camp as he had been doing, but he knew there was nearly no one helping injured Syrians. And he knew they needed help. He went out on a limb to tend to the most vulnerable. He was a helper to the utmost degree.

 

Pete, Bourj al-Barajneh. 2012 (Courtesy of Erin Cory)

Pete, Bourj al-Barajneh. 2012 (Courtesy of Erin Cory)

 

His life is an amazing legacy. You can kill a person, but you cannot kill the light they brought to the world. You can’t erase their love, their mission, or their determination. ISIS killed Abdul-Rahman Kassig, but they can’t destroy who he was. They can’t take back the lives he touched, the lives he changed, or the friends he made.

We could all learn so much from his legacy.

If you want to help, Peter’s family has made the following statement:
“In lieu of flowers, the family asks that contributions in honor of Abdul-Rahman Kassig be made to the Syrian American Medical Society, which is working to meet the medical needs of Syrians displaced and injured by war:
SAMS Foundation
3660 Stutz Dr. Suite 100
Canfield Ohio 44406
www.sams-usa.net“

The Open Door Is Awesome, So Pay Attention.

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If you hadn’t noticed by the incessant commercials and the fact that it gets dark at 2:45 PM, the holiday season is upon us. And unless you live under some kind of overturned fishing vessel, conversing only with passing whales, you know that the holiday season can be the toughest for families already struggling financially.

 

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The above is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which you may remember from your Marketing 101 class Freshman year. The basic premise is that higher levels of the pyramid can’t be reached without satisfying the lower levels first. So without food, nothing happens. A family without food security can’t even begin to advance until that need is met. There is also a Maslow’s New Hierarchy of Needs for Clamtributors, which is below.

 

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 Let’s be honest: food is the pretty much the best thing ever.

 

So with that in mind, we all need to give a huge high-five to the folks at Open Door. I took a trip over there (don’t worry, they had wifi) and sat down with Julie Lafontaine, the executive director, to talk about their holiday programs and all the awesome they’re doing for the community. Hint: it’s a lot of awesome. Like a few dump trucks full of awesome straight from the awesome quarry.

First of all, something like one in six residents of Cape Ann is served by the Open Door. And the people who receive services may not be who you think. Julie says she asks her teenage interns who they think visits the food pantry, and most assume it’s the homeless. However, they are surprised to learn that many clients are holding down multiple jobs to make ends meet, having had their hours reduced or losing their job altogether. They’re trying to hold on to their mortgages and car payments. And again – without food, you can’t even think about looking for a higher-paying job. Even more enlightening is that the majority of clients don’t use the food pantry as often as they are allowed to, instead coming once a month. For so many families, the pantry is a safety net – or more like a safety trampoline that helps them bounce back (That is the first time the words “safety” and “trampoline” have ever been put next to each other, by the way).

The Open Door doesn’t just serve meals in-house and provide a food pantry – they have a whole range of sweet-ass services they provide to the community. There’s summer meals for kids – providing lunch for kids who relied on school lunches for a square meal. There’s an after-school supper at Veteran’s School. They run mobile markets full of fresh produce out of schools and assisted living centers. They offer nutrition-specific boxes for clients who have medical issues as well as food stamp advocacy. And they also have a garden out back!

They also do a heck of a lot for the holiday season.

 

This upcoming Saturday is their “Super Saturday”, where they plan to distribute hundreds of baskets with a turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, apples, and vegetables to families who have signed up for the program. They give out about 1,000 of these baskets for Thanksgiving, and do about 800 more around Christmas as well. It’s such a large program that they’re putting a 20×40′ tent in their front parking lot and setting up out there. I mean, that’s a pretty big freakin’ tent.

Also on Saturday, they’re running a Holiday food drive from 9AM-3PM at Market Basket, Stop and Shop, and the Eastern Ave Shaws. Ann-Margaret Ferrante, Bruce Tarr, and North Shore 104.9 will be there. The items that are most needed are staples like tuna, peanut butter, cereal, and 100% juice.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday they’ll be distributing for the holidays. The turkey baskets ensure that families who want the traditional family Thanksgiving at home can have it. They also pair up with other agencies like the American Legion, North Shore Health Project, Wellspring, and Action to provide food for those agencies to cook and serve holiday meals at their locations or deliver to members of the community.

So pretty much what I’m saying is that Open Door is pretty badass, and they do so much for our community. If you’re shopping, get a few staples for their food drive. Or, donate on their page.