The Gloucester Clam’s Beach Awards

The kids are back in school, the tourists are noticeably fewer, and it’s the end of beachgoing season, almost. While we mourn another amazing summer on our island, we figured we’d have a little awards ceremony for our beaches. So many are worthy!

The Gloucester Clam’s 2014 Beach Awards Winners Are:

Best beach for cutting your feet: Plum Cove

 

Best beach for picking up a used syringe: Half Moon

 

Best beach for the faint smell of raw sewage: Pavilion

 

Best beach for after hour man pick-ups: Annisquam Light

 

Best beach for watching a family of assholes surreptitiously leave their litter behind: Good Harbor

 

Best beach for occasional rancid whale parts: Long Beach

 

Best beach for seeing soiled diapers: Niles

 

Best beach for experiencing that rotten dead fish smell: Braces

 

Best beach for having someone expose themselves in public: Wingaersheek

Best beach for almost getting run over by some asshole on a speedboat on your way there: Ten Pound Island.

No Snark Sunday: What the Hell, Moulton?

As if you couldn’t tell by the approximately one trillion phone calls and door knocks, it’s political season. It’s probably not a surprise to hear we at The Clam tend toward the lefty side of things, especially since the “Hey guys, how about a considered approach to market-based health care?” section of the GOP all suddenly melted down into a slag pile of crazy that has come to define the once reasonable opposition. (Don’t believe me? Go to the Gloucester GOP website where they tell you Martin Luther King- who campaigned for LBJ- was a Republican).

I’m a huge fan of fantasy worlds, I just like mine to involve dragons and hot zeppelin-pirate babes in leather corsets.

Still closer to reality than Glenn Beck

Still closer to reality than Glenn Beck

Speaking of fantasy worlds what the hell is going on with Seth Moulton? I always thought he was pretty cool, but did he suddenly decide to go all crazytown? I’ve met Tierney a bunch of times and yes, he’s a pure politician but Moulton is making him out to be Stalin’s evil twin. Get a grip, Moulton.

Yeah, sorta

Yeah, sorta

Clamtributor Josh Turiel, who besides being an actual politician, is also our Salem, Wrestling and Technology correspondent wrote something pretty great on FaceBook about the Moulton/Tierney deal, so here it is:

And now, in time for the weekend, my take on the MA-6 congressional race (picking my head up from a busy morning of work, despite being home):

The TL:DR version – yes, I’m again voting for John Tierney for Congress.

Now, the reason why…

I’ve been in politics for a little over 3 years, from when I first pulled papers to run until today. I’ve had dealings with Tierney and his staff. All have been helpful, professional, and able to work to resolve problems that constituents have had. And more importantly happy to work. I know he’s been able to help many of my colleagues as well. I know that the popular yardstick that is used against him is “how many bills has he passed?” Well, that doesn’t matter too much. We don’t elect Congressmen to pass bills. We elect them to serve their district and the interests of the 600k+ people in it. I’d also like to point out that the minority doesn’t pass bills anymore. Once upon a time bills were filed and passed on a shifting coalition that had shared interests across party lines. Those days, sadly, are gone. Tierney is a partisan member of the minority party. If you want someone who will pass bills, you can either elect Republicans or you can elect more Democrats. Both options appeal to some of my friends and readers. But replacing an 18-year Congressman who remains effective on behalf of his district is not going to help our district any.

That said, let me speak to the leading opponent. When Seth Moulton first talked about running for Congress 2 years ago (as an independent) he was interesting. And when he announced that he would run this time, and run as a Democrat, I said to myself “Nice. Young guy, just came back home, and is positioning himself to be “the guy who replaces the guy”. I expected he’d run a strong, positive campaign and position himself to be the eventual replacement – whether it’s in another term or so or if Tierney loses the Tisei rematch.

That wasn’t what we got, though. Moulton went on the attack from the beginning and has been relentlessly negative throughout. He’s routinely spread BS (missing 300 votes? Sure, but that actually means that over 18 years he’s made about 98% of all possible votes – which is pretty damn good attendance). This week, finally, a Tierney mailer went on the attack back at him (and it’s also distorted, as most attacks are) and Moulton’s whine in response was just sad.

I also have vivid memories of early candidate Moulton and his appearance before the SSU Democrats this past winter. In his speech, he kept hitting on the theme that when he served in Iraq, Congress let the troops down. So one attendee (I won’t name him here even though most of you know the story and who the person was) called him out on it politely and said “How did Congressman Tierney let the troops down? It was a Republican-led Congress, Tierney personally voted against the Iraq War, and then voted in favor of every appropriation that was requested for the military.”

Moulton was visibly red-faced and angry when he engaged and got into the attendee’s face stating “they should have done more!”. It wasn’t a confrontational question, folks. You should be able to handle it better.

That all said, I’ve had non-business conversations plenty of times over the last few years with Tierney (and his wife as well). Yes, he’s a pol. He’s also a person who I’m pretty comfortable around, and I can talk to him about non-business things and not feel like I need to run for the exits. I’m not going to get into Patrice’s brothers. We all know that tale, and it’s been in courts and in the Ethics Committee already.

The bottom line for me is that I believe that John Tierney remains effective in the job of representing us in Congress, and I think he deserves to continue doing so. Until this election began to play out I had believed that Seth Moulton might turn out to be a worthy successor down the road an election or two. I no longer believe that.

Thanks, Josh. We’re going to have more on the election once we get past the primary. Oh, and we’re disabling the comments for political stuff. I know that seems “anti freedom” or whatever, but I’ll be honest here: I really don’t want to have a discussion, I want to give a point of view. It may not be one you believe, care about or respect, but it is a point of view.

A bunch of people yelling shit at each other doesn’t help people create informed viewpoints. And I have always said that I would burn the comments section to the ground before letting it get like the fever swamps that are the other Cape Ann comment sections, save Joey C who wisely approves his comments. So, if you want to yell at people go to Cape Ann Online or something. What we have here today is a reasonable opinion from a knowledgable person and we want it to stand alone.

Suck it, Internet.

Wicked Tuna Recap: The Season Finale, Finally.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s finally here. I have finally reached the last episode of Wicked Tuna and am here to recap it for you (my previous recaps are here). I mean, after this, I still have to do the North Vs. South which I’ve been seeing commercials for during things I actually enjoy watching, like Going Deep with David Rees. Spoiler alert: They still “really need this fish”.

We start off with a tranquil sunrise and Paul Hebert saying “It’s so free out here, living off the wilderness, you know?” No, I don’t. The wilderness? Like you can just set a rabbit trap and live off furs and shit in the winter like some Little House on the Prairie shit? I’m pretty sure you’re living off hot dogs and Budweiser.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

 

The Sambvca (because why not name your boat after the grossest liquor ever) reels a fish, and they struggle with it and as the show goes to commercial, he yells “this fish will die tonight!” and then laughs in an oddly maniacal and yet manic fashion. I’m scared. Hold me, Clampadres.

So far I’ve seen like 3 slow motion seagulls this episode. They really saved up all their best slow-motion seagull footage for the finale. You can tell this is not made for an audience of seafaring folks, because most of us are not huge fans of seagulls. Listen, birds are beautiful, and I even like pigeons, but holy shit, seagulls are awful. I saw one take off with an entire bag of popcorn a few weeks ago at Plum Cove. They’ll shit on you with reckless abandon. They will congregate loudly outside your window when you’re on a fucking conference call. They’re the douchebags of the avian world.

We move on to some super contrived back and forth between Tyler from Stonerboat and TJ/TJ’s dad from Hot Tuna, where apparently Tyler had worked before. That makes sense. Anyway, it’s a magical thing. “ENJOY YA WINTAH!” “YOU’RE A LOSAH!” Pretty much everything that my neighbors yell into the street on a daily basis.

And 8:22 into it, back on the Sambvca, I hear my first “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I just chugged my beer. That’s the game. It has to be a game. Or I won’t make it through another 35 minutes. At 11:22, Paul’s long-suffering older brother says, again. “We need this fish.” About the same fish. Double chug my beer.

This fish is taking forever to catch, but they finally nail it, while poor Dave from the Hard Merchandise looks on, puffing on a cigarette and wearing the same hoodie he’s worn this entire season. This guy’s had a rough year, what with the boat sinking and me giving him a hard time for never being seen without a cigarette. I do hope ol’ smoky-lungs catches one this episode so he can snap out of his funk. Has this guy ever smiled? If I had the choice of a night out at the bar with Dave Marciano or a sack of overcooked rice pilaf, I think the rice might be a bit more lively and upbeat.

Cheer up! There's always cigarettes.

Cheer up! There’s always cigarettes.

The Sambvca gets $14k for that one fish they apparently really needed. I’m pretty sure everyone really needs that kinda money in this town, but hey, whatever.

Finally the Hard Merchandise gets a fish. One of the boat dudes is all “IT’S A WICKED SCREAMAH!” And I have to hold back from yelling “So’s your mom!” And then, two minutes later, “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I crack open another beer. This may be a long night.

And then, glory of all glories, a shirtless Paul Hebert appears in the background of a shot. Oh, my word. This is why I’m in this, folks, for gems like this.

The magic happened, folks.

The magic happened.

The Hard Merchandise explains that they “really need” the fish they end up catching. Twice. I am inebriated at this point.

There’s this super fast “who’s gonna catch the fish!” thing where the camera cuts between 4 boats in like 6 seconds. Some people catch the fish. They needed the fish!

But not the Pinwheel, they haven’t caught a fish. Tyler is sad. Here is Tyler. I like beer.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

Of course, they catch a fish. So does The Tuna.com. I swear, after this is over, I will hear “SANDRO! SANDRO NEUTRAAL!” in my nightmares for months.

I actually feel really bad for the Pinwheel at this point. Their line snaps, they are out of luck, and then everybody like calls them up and makes fun of them.

The show ends with some melodramatic TALKING FROM CAPTAINS about what this year meant to them, and then Tyler steams off down to the south to segue to the spinoff I now have to watch.

It’s been real this season. They’re filming the next season as we speak (literally, I can hear the helicopters ugh).

Tune in sometime soon for WICKED TUNA: NORTH VS SOUTH VS KT.

 

 

 

 

East Gloucester School Supply List

This year’s back to school season is remarkable for my family because it’s the first year our kids enter the Gloucester Public School system – our older son, Nathan, is entering Kindergarten over at East Gloucester Elementary. We “choiced in”, which basically means we “bring down the per-capita income of families in the school by several thousand dollars a year”. We’re downtown people, used to downtown things like “empty nip bottles thrown where your kids play” and “getting everything that isn’t lashed down stolen by a bearded man pushing a baby carriage with no baby in it.” East Gloucester is a weird but awesome hippie/hipster/edgy utopia where people watch each other’s kids and walk into each other’s sheds to borrow and return tools. Return tools they borrowed. Can you imagine? The decadence.

This isn't even out of place here. At all.

This isn’t even out of place here. At all.

Therefore, the 2014 school supply list was a bit of a shock to our system. We expected glue sticks, crayons, and washable markers. But this is what we got:

1. A Kayak

2. Kale Chips

3. Pencils hand-hewn by local underemployed woodcrafters

4.  Organic, free-range backpack

5. Macbook Pro (New or under 6 months old)

6.  Chuck Taylor Hi-Tops in a color besides black

7. A feather and dipping ink

8. Homemade recycled paper notebooks tied with ukelele strings.

9. Non-GMO Paint Pens

10. Lunches prepared entirely from a CSA or farm share.

There were other parameters as well. All mothers must volunteer in either long flowy skirts with clogs or ripped denim and Vans. Dads must wear horn-rimmed glasses and be well-versed in how to refinish a hardwood floor. Younger siblings must be in cloth diapers.

I can’t wait.

(I shouldn’t have to point out that this is satire. But, here we are, where I point out that no, this is not the real school supply list. God, some of you people.)