Guess what, nerds? Turns out the Federal Election Commission’s website has a list of all individuals who submitted Statements of Candidacy to be considered for the job of President of the good ol’ USA. (America! Fireworks! Eagle!) Yes, my friends, each one of these is registered to get YOUR vote this November. Here’s a list of potential nominees we totally could have gotten instead of Ted Cruz, Zodiac Killer:
Over the past few months I have received suggestions from people whom I otherwise consider sensible to join the “Dollar Shave Club.” You know, this thing:
Yes, hilarious video. Thanks shavebro, I am thoroughly entertained. I’m sure you and your buds had a great time putting this business idea together in between keg stands, but before I lay down my hard-earned cash, does ordering my razor blades by mail even make sense? Seems like we should clamvestigate, donnit? To the Clammobile!
Yes, I mean my Subaru. No, I don’t know where we’re going. OK, let’s just go back inside and look at the Internet…Sorry.
Here are the three “deals” offered by Dollar Shave Club according to their webzone:
THE HUMBLE TWIN
Free handle
Five 3-blade cartridges per month
1$/month plus $2 shipping and handling which when added together becomes the symbol known to mathematicians as “3” meaning I have to actually pay $3 dollars per month.
THE 4X
Free handle
Five 3-blade cartridges a month
$6/month (ships free)
EXECUTIVE PLAN
Free handle
Four 6-Blade cartridges per month
$9/month (ships free)
Wow. What a deal! In comparison, for $7.99 a month you can get access to over 13,000 titles on Nexflix and for $10 a month access to over 20 million songs on Spotify (but no Taylor Swift- feature or bug? Discuss). I’m just not feeling the same greenfield thrill with the razor plan for some reason, but maybe that’s just my digital to physical bias. I’m sure it’s a great value. So let’s compare to the plan I use:
The Market Basket Shave Club for Men and Anyone Else Who Shaves A Lot We Don’t Judge
$2.79 handle
$1.49/Package of five 3-blade razors sitting on a shelf whenever I want them three miles from my house
Shipping is free because I’m already there buying Cheetos and pushing little old ladies out of the way for the day-old baked goods
It looks like a 75-store discount retailer with multiple distribution centers somehow offers a better price than some internet dude. Whoa if true!
Hmm. It would seem I’ve already paid off my investment in the handle, which comes with 2 cartridges, in less than eight weeks. But, come now. Three blades? What kind of man in the 21st century only uses a three-blade razor? It’s akin to saying, “leave me a voicemail” or faxing a Chinese food order over to Midori’s. Actually, that would be pretty funny to see if they even got it, considering they still have a fax # on their menu (side note: How long until it’s hipster to fax stuff? Soon, right?)
So let’s compare plan “C” of the Dollar Shave Club, their “Executive” plan to the high-end plan at The Basket. Let’s call it the:
Shave Club For Guys Who Could Probably Shop at Stop and Shop but Refuse to Put on Actual Pants
$4.39 handle- comes with 2 cartridges of six blade razors
$4.29 per-package with 4 cartridges each.
This is nowhere near $9/month. In fact, it’s twenty bucks cheaper per year than Dollar Shave’s four blade option. And the quality of the MB and Dollar Shave razors seem not only equivalent, but the exact same equipment- I believe the same unit manufactured in Korea by the Dorco corporation of Seocho-dong, Korea. Yes, you read that right: Dorko of Seocho-dong. Magnificent.
So these foreign manufactures will just sell their products to anybody? How is that even legal?
Thus if you opt for the “executive” plan you get the privilege of paying over $50 more for the exact same stuff. I guess that is a lot like many “executives” I’ve worked with in the past, spending 1/3 more than necessary because someone made a flashy video. Maybe they could develop a “C-Suite plan” where the razors are endorsed by famous golfers and they advertise in airports next to the expensive watches and “personal wealth managers.” They could charge five times more, would be tax-free and foreign workers would do the actual shaving for pennies on the dollar. SOCIAL COMMENTARY IN THE SHAVING POST- YEAH DAWG!
Look, I understood the concept of wanting access to cheap razors back when the pricing cabal of Schick and Gillette were doing that shitty thing of selling you a handle for three dollars and then charging 11 dollars per package for the blades. Remember when they used to lock them behind the glass at CVS alongside the Sudafed? You could steal either one and then go on to resell the phenylephrine to lowlife meth producers or the blades to the even lower-life kind of person who fences razor blades. Where are you in the criminal hierarchy when you deal in hot disposable grooming products? Do you get the lamest underworld nickname ever like “IN-Grone” or “Folik-L”?
Also by just purchasing razors at the grocery store when I need them I can manage demand. If I have a high need for shaving, say I’m trying to introduce a Bonobo ape to clients as an employee to increase billings, then I’ll need more razors. If I decide to go with the insane wild mountain man look so big with the Leonardos these days, then I’ll need fewer. And thanks to the “Going to Market Basket whenever I feel like it because there is free coffee and Anna in the bakery is cool” system, I can let the demand decide how often I purchase razors not just having them mailed to me on some kind of schedule with no adjustability for my natural or desired hirsuteitude.
Conclusion: Someone help me out here, what am I getting for the extra four dollars a month ahead of the MB plan? I’m perplexed by this whole category, to be honest. What is the benefit of doing this by mail? Not cost, as shown. I’m in Market Basket about once a week anyway, so it’s not access. Do I just do what bros online tell me to do, like wear Birkenstocks and a backwards visor with Vineyard Vines shorts? (Answer: I do not) Is there some critical math or benefit I’m missing? Can I start the “Dorko Dong Shave Club?” and compete with the guys just by buying razors at the Basket and selling them behind the Maplewood 7/11 after having the the word “STUBBL” tattooed on my abdomen in those impossible to read cursive letters?
REALLY, WHY DOES THIS BUSINESS EXIST, I’M AT A TOTAL LOSS.
When we first heard about the planned Soones Court development to subdivide the land Cheryl Soones owns on the ocean side of Atlantic Road on the Back Shore, we all looked at each other quizzically, and said “What the fuck?” It was the same look we gave each other when Trump started polling favorably.
I’d also bet a crisp, clean five dollar bill on the fact that at least 75% of Gloucesterites said the same damn thing, or a more child-friendly version thereof. Why the fuck would anyone try to develop on the back shore? What kind of actual bullshit is this? This is the worst idea anyone has had in Gloucester so far in 2016, and that includes the guy who called the police because his friend stole his drugs.
If you’re not aware of this debacle, let me Clamsplain this one for you. Sit down and Irish up your coffee, preferably ensconced in a mug you’re willing to smash into a million pieces against your wall. We good? Ok, let’s go.
The Back Shore, as we all know, is a stunning, scenic wonder. It’s a fantastic road for sightseeing tourists, joggers, cyclists, and teenagers smoking pot in their cars. The 1.5 mile stretch of the Back Shore that has open ocean beside it is part of what makes Gloucester a unique and beautiful place. The tourists aren’t coming here for our discarded Keno slips and abundance of nail salons. They’re coming for the Back Shore.
Untouched splendor! Did you think it would stay like this forever? LOL.
But clearly, we can’t have nice things. And that’s where Cheryl Soones comes in. Soones is a Florida resident who has owned four parcels of land on the ocean side of Atlantic that the town, in a stunning logical move, had long deemed unbuildable. This designation has been reflected in their value – the four lots are assessed at less than $20,000 combined. When this debacle first started several months back, Soones planned to sell the land and an architect from Lenox, James Harwood, had planned to build one 1500 square foot, single family home on one of the lots. However, Soones enough (see what I did there oh god someone stop me) that one home that was already controversial somehow turned into four. Four houses. Along the Back Shore. You can throw your mug now.
I saved this as facepalm.jpg
So somehow, this land, for which back taxes had been owed and the city could have legally taken possession of, is now ripe for four houses to be placed on it. This would be a hilarious comedy, except it isn’t.
At this point, the seven libertarians who bother reading the Clam are saying to themselves, “Well, it’s their land, right? Why can’t they build on it?” So let’s take a look at this land. These lots have very little vegetation and are ledge with boulders upon it. Also, the ocean is there. Like, right there. During even non-notable winter storms, this is how the road looks:
And this was a minor storm. Remember the Perfect Storm? Even I do, and I was 8.
This photo was taken exactly where these four homes are proposed. These aren’t in idyllic, protected coves where building close to the shore will have a negligible effect. The Back Shore is a monster in storms. Gigantic boulders get tossed across the road like a drunk bro throws up late-night tacos in the interior of your mom’s Jeep. On the Good Morning Gloucester post where these photos were originally shared, Jo Major Ciolino commented, “We were both completely shocked at the level of destruction and damage. I remember thinking it looked like a plane had flown down Atlantic Road and dropped bombs every 30 feet. It was inconceivable a storm could destroy that much and do so much damage.” And that was twenty five years ago. Climate change will make the next Perfect Storm even more powerful. It’s not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN.
Oh, good. Nature.
But don’t you worry! The architects and engineers hired by Soones say they have the technology to make these houses happen. That technology to get around the flood zone requirements involves 24 steel beams which will elevate the bottom of the homes to… wait for it…
15 feet above Atlantic Ave. Floating houses 15 feet above the roadway. Because that makes sense. It’ll look great. Good job everyone, pat yourselves on the back. In addition, the maximum height permitted in this zoning is 30 feet. However, that’s not calculated from the level of the street or the bottom floor of the house – instead, it’s calculated from the average pre-construction grade of the footprint of the house – which are the rocks several feet below the road. Marty DelVecchio, who is a vast fountain of knowledge, pointed out that this means the highest point of the house (except the chimney) can be 30 feet above the rocks, which is 26 feet above the road. 16 feet of that is steel supports, leaving a full 10 vertical feet in which to build the house.
This whole idea is atrocious, especially when you consider stuff like utilities – getting gas, power, and sewer to those houses, where cars would park, and dozens of other concerns like how the homes would even be insured. There’s no evidence that even if these homes were built, there’s a market for them. The homes will all be built on spec – the landowner makes money, the builder makes money, and no one really gives a crap about who buys them and what becomes of them ten years down the road – and when the inevitable happens and these homes end up like my dreams, dashed across Atlantic Road and into their neighbors’ yards, who will be left holding the bag?
This photo by Cindy Lawry, taken an hour before high tide Feb 8, shows the proposed lots mostly submerged.
Even Planning Board member Kenneth Hecht referred to the proposal as “bizarre”. What’s even more bizarre is the convoluted way this plan even got to the point where the planning board did a site visit and will hold a hearing this week. City Councilor Joe Ciolino proposed and pushed through an overlay zone for Atlantic Road that was approved in December. The zoning requires a special City Council permit for any building to take place along the ocean side of Atlantic Road from High Popples to Bass Rocks Road. However, the day this zoning was adopted, Soones and the developers submitted their plans for a four-house subdivision solely to avoid the new law, and thus have apparently grandfathered themselves with the previous zoning law.
The city dropped the ball the first time by not taking possession of the properties when taxes weren’t paid. Full stop. Even more aggravating is that (props to Marty for knowing this) once upon a time, until recently, the city had a law requiring City Council approval of any construction in a sensitive coastal area, but that law was lifted – apparently a it meant lot of work for the City Council over minor development that everybody was OK with, and besides, the reasoning was that there are several other boards that can stop the nonsense.
Like the Planning Board. This Thursday, March 3, the Planning Board will hear the proposal. This was continued from last month’s meeting, where it wasn’t brought up – although 60 people still showed up to voice their opinions on the project.
Save Our Shores Gloucester is a group headed by Barb Silberman, with a Facebook following of nearly 2500 so far. They will not only be showing up to this week’s proposal meeting, but they’ve also pooled their resources to hire expert legal counsel to stop the subdivision dead in its tracks. They’re also looking for donations to help offset this cost. The Back Shore is a resource for all of us, and if you want to see it remain in its current undeveloped condition, you can make a donation below (or click here for mobile users) via GoFundMe.If you would prefer to donate by check, you can do so by write a check to The Gloucester Fund – Put “SOS Gloucester” on the memo line, and mail the check to 45 Middle Street, Gloucester, MA 01930
Winter Storm Jonas. Ugh. Not only is naming winter storms kind of dumb [looking at you Weather Channel], but If you’re under the age of 50, you, like us here at the Gloucester Clam, may have “My Name is Jonas” stuck in your head THE ENTIRE LENGTH THAT THERE IS STORM COVERAGE.
THE METEROLOGIST SWEARS HE LEARNED HIS MATH THE NONESSENTIAL WORKERS ARE GOOOING HOOOOOOME YEAH YEAH YEAH
It won’t leave. It’s insipid. I mean, it’s a great song, but I’m yearning for last week when I had solely the flute part of Moonage Daydream stuck in my head for a record 9 days straight.
So that, my friends, got me thinking. If we’re going to name winter storms, we might as well face the truth: winter storms are incredibly annoying. We should start naming them after really annoying things. Such as.
Winter Storm Your Child Has Brought Home A Recorder From School
It’s not a hugely well kept-secret that I’m mid-divorce, Clamistas. It’s a real pain, a long drawn-out process, even with a relatively amicable split and 50/50 division of caterwauling children and meager millenial assets. But the great thing? I have a sweet and fantastic boyfriend who works at Mystery Train, the giant awesome record store at the end of Main Street. He grew up in East Gloucester, so he is patient when I ask him things like “DID THEY FEED YOU KALE WHEN YOU WERE BORN” and “DID THEY DO YOGA IN THE SCHOOLS?”
So sometimes I go visit him at work, because I like his face. And I have for you a collection of the most ridiculous records I have seen so far upon my visits. Here.
About The Clam
The Gloucester Clam is a collaboration of geniuses, nerds, and misfits (anonymous and named) that aims to cover the entertainment needs of Gloucester and beyond with snark, wit, and questionable journalism skills.
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