Category: Uncategorized

What’s in a name?

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Today’s guest post is from Adam Kuhlmann who explores the Gloucester businessscape if it were freed from the shackles of context.

Tony Tally’s Petroleum World 27 Maplewood Avenue

What it is:

A full-service gas and vehicle inspection station, consisting of four pumps and a repair bay, owned by the patriarch of the Taliadoros family

What it sounds like: 

Michael Bay takes his kids to the amusement park

Michael Bay takes his kids to the Shore

A garish amusement park, endorsed by a NASCAR champion and underwritten by the Saudi royal family, celebrating the wonders of gasoline and related hydrocarbons.  Visitors can seek thrills on a variety of attractions, including Frack Mountain and The Kerosene River, as long as they adhere to the park’s strict no-smoking policy.

Nails Club 50 Maplewood Avenue

 What it is:

A beauty salon staffed by brisk, efficient technicians offering little conversation and a basic pedi for just $26.00.

What it sounds like:

A Berlin discotheque, specializing in a genre of trance music punctuated by the sounds of a construction site.

DJ Safetybarrel rips it, ja?

DJ Safetybarrel rips it, ja?

The Mexican Touch 185 Washington Street

 What it is:

 A take-out restaurant whose frugal menu includes burritos, empanadas, quesadillas, and—claro que sí—Black Forest cake

What it sounds like:

 A storefront in Tijuana that you hustled your kids past, after a fellow in rhinestone chaps tried to lure them inside to take a peek at his burro.

DO NOT look this up on Urban Dictionary...oops, there you go. Suit yourself

DO NOT look this up on Urban Dictionary…oops, there you go. Suit yourself

G33K 130 Main Street

 What it is:

A retailer of every type of game and game accessory, including costumes of Xbox characters immediately recognizable by the palest 1% of the population

What it sounds like: 

An internet start-up that, in an ill-conceived attempt to summon disruptive innovation, you enlisted your 16-month-old niece to brand.  Clutching your tablet computer in her sticky hands, she swatted at these four characters.

A cat would have also worked for this gag

A cat would have also worked for this gag

Raf’s Bait Wagon Transient

What it is:

A gentleman with a handlebar mustache who has modified his weather-beaten van so that he can cut, store, sell, and advertise fresh herring

What it sounds like:

See above.

Pretty much

Pretty much

Why the Goat, a Clamsplanation by Stevens Brosnihan

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Once again, the Clamticians have implored me to delve into the viscera of my creative faculties to expose an aspect of reality best explored via the unshackled mode of the visual arts. Today I am departing from my usual format and medium in an effort to expand modalities while at the same time embracing the lure of the literal.

Evidently, Clamedia International LTD is receiving an unprecedented number of angry and/or perplexed demands for an explanation as to why we have chosen a member of genus Capra (see below)

gclam

as opposed to Crassostrea (or phylum mollusca for that matter) to represent our corporate identity.

4504189378_7e8844b8f2_o

To be honest, we are all at a loss for words. We had an excessively heated and disastrously long argument about how best to ‘explain’ to our dedicated readers the significance of our choice. We came to blows, but then, we always do at corporate functions.

After a shit-ton of Jello™ shots and a few peyote buttons, I managed to ‘phase out’ long enough to pen this missive. In an effort to dispel any misinterpretations, I will approach the solution to this complex mystery with a straightforward answer.

steve

Gloucester Gothic, Goat Simulator, 2014

Ever since Kline’s voyeuristic prequel to Warhol’s ongoing and self-proclaimed sham, the art world has mourned the death of the avant-garde. Serious, exuberant discourse has given way to the absurd and to a complete loss of cultural identity. Like the universe’s first milliseconds, we are in an age where matter(the object) and energy(critical thought) are interchangeable and unfocused. There have been repeated attempts to coalesce this dark matter into something bold and philosophically evolved, but the results thus far have only been a series of commodifiable, and predictably inscestuous hacks. The art world exists for its own sake alone.

Yves Kline happening, 1960

Yves Kline happening, 1960

Now, the deterministic nature of the image is counteracted by the mind’s inability to filter the synaptic misfirings we equate with the miasma of non-linear and inchoate, pre-determinate metaphors. It is a fugue state from which we can never recover. The Image is continuously replaced by facsimiles of itself, branching fractally through iterations of the real only to be undone by it’s own interconnectedness with space-time. In effect, the object becomes that which it is not by revealing its underlying false self, only to be reborn again as infinitely variable simulacra.

Grazing, Goat Simulator, 2014

Grazing, Goat Simulator, 2014

Cultural indifference to or complete unawareness of humor has it’s roots in fascism. The right has usurped the left by implementing the chauvinistic mechanisms of design and appropriating ontological realms hither-to associated with anarchic ideologies. Humor has the potential to disrupt our concept of what is true while simultaneously exposing reality subversively, operating on the audience’s preconceptions to [de]construct a new, accepted norm. The sheep, or goats as it were, are in wolves’ clothing, ideology is dead, and humor must prevail.

Ascension, Goat Simulator, 2014

Ascension, Goat Simulator, 2014

The Gloucester Clam’s Tournament of Crappy Parking Lots: FINAL FOUR

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We’re down the the Final Four here in our Gloucester Clam Tournament of Shitty Parking Lots. This is where the shit gets real, folks. We’re so close to crowning the winner that I can almost taste it. “It” being the paint scraped from my bumper. Let’s get down to business and nominate our finalists!

bracket4

7/11 Bass Ave vs. Our Lady of Good Voyage Church

7/11 Bass Ave beat out St. Peter’s Square. Let that just sink in for a moment. We here at the Clam honestly thought St. Peter’s could have gone all the way and won the whole thing, what with its drunken weekend revelers, confusing entrance/exit strategies, and demand exceeding capacity. However, apparently 7/11 Bass Ave is even worse to our intrepid voters. That’s a fair assessment. The less-heroin-infested 7/11 a fucking awful shitshow not only for the poor drivers waiting fortnights to back out into at-speed traffic, but also for those heading back downtown on Bass Ave. As a cyclist who rides the backshore and heads home, I flinch instinctively when I ride past this lot. Undoubtedly, there’s always some huge truck with a throaty exhaust that just backs up at top speed without actually checking to see if there’s traffic in the road. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT RIGHT OF WAY MEANS, BUT CHECK OUT MY 40 INCH TIRES! VRUMMM!” Thanks, dickbag. Next time I’ll just pre-dial “9-1” on my phone before I drive by to save time.

Our Lady of Good Voyage Church advanced to the next round as well, beating out Gloucester Crossing. We sense a trend here – the parking lots that are bad not only to park in, but also to drive by, have been able to pull out wins in this round. And by God, trying to drive by lower Prospect when there’s church in session is pure madness. Why do we not ticket or tow the cars that ENTIRELY BLOCK THE WAY both on the sidewalk and on one of the busiest roads in town? Probably because everyone here is pretty much related by blood or marriage, and everyone’s been doing it for decades. I’m sure also that towing old ladies while they’re at church will probably get you run out of town by an angry mob with torches and fishing gear. We don’t deal well with change here, so maybe when my children’s children have grown, it will no longer be acceptable to just pull halfway up on the curb and leave your car there for an hour and a half instead of going a tenth of a mile to find a safe, legal spot. But probably not, this is Gloucester.

[polldaddy poll=8185410]

Destino’s vs Dogbar

Another surprising winner, Destinos took out the East Gloucester School last round. I guess the animalistic need for a cheesesteak and haddock chowder runs deeper in our veins than an animalistic need to pick up our kids on time at all costs. Destino’s and our other finalist, Good Voyage, work together hand in hand to fuck up that entire stretch of Prospect Street, which honestly even without those external factors is fucked up enough in its own right. I shall refer to that area as a “fucktastrophe.” The Destino’s lot, however, tricks you, like a cruel minister of Satan. You can pull in, absolutely sure there’s an open spot, only to realize a blue-haired old lady has parked directly in the middle of two spots and now you’re stuck trying to back out onto Prospect, but church is in session (is it ever not in session) so you have to do a hail-mary backup at warp speed. Pray. Pray hard.

Dogbar’s public lot, our last finalist, beat out the pothole and Keno-laden Tedeschi’s parking lot to enter the Final Four. Each was undoubtedly equal in the number of completely shithammered people stumbling through at diagonal angles, but Dogbar only has one tiny entrance/exit, so if you enter naively thinking there might be a space and someone else makes the same horrific miscalculation, there’s a cascade effect of people stuck, beeping, backing up onto Rogers where people aren’t pitying you for your mistakes, scraped trailer hitches, and swearing. I vote that instead of Jaws as the last movie playing at our new outdoor theatre at I4-C2, we just roll surveillance footage highlights of this lot. It’s probably equally scary. We’re gonna need a bigger lot.

[polldaddy poll=8185418]

Man Renders Lawn Uninhabitable, Reaps Benefits

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The Clam today features a submission from a mysterious contributor. One of the great things about Gloucester is you don’t see a lot of those ‘Chem Lawn’ spray trucks, mostly because the chemicals would take the paint off the boat you are getting around to repainting up on blocks in the side yard. Other towns are not so lucky.

Man Renders Lawn Uninhabitable, Reaps Benefits

by C.J. Andertone

Today Lynnfield, MA resident Tony Mancusio proudly shows off his large, grassy lawn from the driveway of his ample two-story home. “But don’t step over there,” he says. “They just sprayed.”

keep off the grass

keep off the grass

Mancusio, 54, a lifetime resident of the North Shore, had workers add a generous application of pesticide, assuring that grubs and leaf-eaters won’t damage his pristine green lawn. “Look at it,” he says, spreading his arms wide as in benediction, “It reminds me of the lawn I grew up with as a kid.” Little yellow signs warning of the application of pesticides blossom on lawns all across the region every spring, including in Mr. Mancusio’s near half-acre front yard. “It just makes sense, you know?” he says, crossing his arms and taking in the picturesque scene. “I mean, get the grubs before they get you. Am I right?” Asked whether any of his neighbors have complemented him on his beautiful lawn, Mancusio says, “I think they’re all a little jealous.” He pauses. “Except that old crone down on the corner. She says my runoff poisons the groundwater, the moles, and hurts the little freakin’ birdies that feed off the bugs that pass through my property.” He adds, “Screw the little birdies. I got a coupla blue jays that screech and make a fuss outside my window every morning at God’s first light. I hope they get sick and die, you know what I mean? The little bastard bunnies that ransack my garden, too.”

That ain't rain

That ain’t rain

“Still,” he says wistfully looking over the lush green grass, “I’d hate to be the guys that cut it. All that dust.” He shakes his head, pushes back his graying hair. “But hey, it’s a paycheck. Without guys like me, they’d probably be robbing liquor stores or something.” “When I was a kid we’d have great, grand neighborhood football games in my father’s yard. Everybody would come out and play. All the kids. Neighbors would watch. Mrs. Dunnovan bring over lemonade for everybody. It was real lovely.” Mancusio wipes at his eyes before adding, “Looking out here, it reminds me of when I was young and ready to take on the world.” He coughs, shakes his head, and says soberly, “But no way are some punks going to f**k up my nice, green lawn. No grubs, no kids, no freakin’ blue jays. I’m gonna retire in this house, and when I’m old and losing my marbles, I’ll still be able to look out here and remember what it was like for me when I was a child.”

Beach Blanket Stinko

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traditional No Snark Sunday returns next week as we deal with reader requests to address a pressing issue: 

Ok, it’s NSS- no snark Sunday here at The Clam. I’ve awoken, hugged kittens, put on my favorite vintage Kermit “Rainbow Connection” T shirt, baked a blueberry crumble for our neighbors and made a delicious cup of flavored decaf by which to write another missive about how much we all love our beloved island with love. I’ll just slip over to FaceBook for some ideas…

It's so great to spend a day outside in nature, eh kids?

It’s so great to spend a day outside in nature, eh kids?

Oh fuck no. What fresh Hell is this? For those of you from out of town or folks who have that ‘Memento’ condition where you can’t remember anything for longer than it takes to make a bag of microwave popcorn, that’s the bike rack at Good Harbor, on the East Gloucester side of the bridge over the creek. With a huge pile of stinking, rotting trash like the aftermath of The Gathering of the Juggalos but with fewer discarded Faygo bottles.

Garbage cans, magnets and spelling. How do they work?

Garbage cans, magnets and spelling. How do they work?

[Goes upstairs, removes rainbow shirt and puts on Pogues ‘Rum Sodomy and the Lash’ tour tee, takes ball with little bell away from cat, microwaves three day old rot-gut coffee from bottom of pot and goes next door and stamps right in the middle of the baking tray left on the Garberg’s front steps.]

Let us begin. Is there anything more gross than people who litter? I have this wonderful aunt who through lifelong, in-depth studies of Buddhism and psychology has a tremendously optimistic view of human nature. She was explaining it to me a few months ago driving through upstate New York on our way to a family event. She firmly believes that every human being is simply fighting an internal battle we can neither understand nor are we in a position to judge. “Our goal, as fellow humans, must be…” she began. But just as she was about to drop a Karen Armstrong all over the interior of the Prius the car in front of us ejected a stream of Burger King bags and drink containers out the driver’s side. “You motherfuckers!!!” she starts yelling, pulling up to their bumper and honking her horn. “Are you kidding? You bastards!”

You're making the Buddha cry, Aunt Sandy

You’re making the Buddha cry, Aunt Sandy

So litterbugs suck. But hating people who litter (and oh do I ever) is not getting any Dunk’s cups off the streets. And this image of trash, much of it bagged, in somewhat neat pile seems to be transmitting a different message than if it were just strewn about everywhere. These people seemed to want a place to put their trash. They put it in a pile, rather than just ditching it someplace. And it’s fair to assume that one bag of trash begat another as one after the other succumbed to herd mentality, convincing themselves, “Oh, this must be how it’s done here.” Let’s unpack this (not literally) Who are these people? There are three types who come to the near edge of the bridge with trash:

  • Locals who live nearby That’s us and we can assume that a very small portion of that trash would be ours because we know the rules, it’s our town, and we’ve made accommodations to transport it. Also if any one of us was caught littering it would wind up on GMG, Cape Ann Online, the focus of some kind of contest on The Clam as ‘douchiest person of Fishtown’ and, three days later behind the paywall of the GDT, name misspelled. So I’m willing to wager it’s not one of us who started this.

 

  • Visitors who parked in the neighborhoods or used public transportation and are making their way home We all see the folks who walk down to the beach because they don’t want to pay the thirty bucks or whatever it is to park. I’ve seen them parked as far away as in front of the graveyard on Mt. Pleasant and up on Hartz Street. If you will note in the photo one of the bikes in the rack is a folding bike which likely belongs to someone who either parked far away or took the train. So, if I took the T here I’m supposed to carry my trash out to where, exactly? The cans (typically overflowing) at the station? Medford? Advanced civilization has a thing called “public trash receptacles” and these people, I believe correctly, assumed that notion extended into Gloucester.
It's like they don't even know how to read small, hand lettered rocks (Photo GMG)

It’s like they don’t even know how to read small, hand lettered rocks (Photo GMG)

  • People who parked somewhere else picking up their family at the bridge They look as if they packed more crew and equipment than Shackleton into HMS Endurance making for the Pole. Dad’s ‘round back of the minivan loading chairs, boards, coolers, pails and umbrellas. He slams the rear gate shut, skips to the driver’s side and peels off ‘forgetting’ the 45 gallons of Goldfish bags and juice boxes in the Hefty on the sidewalk. “They must never know I am a litterer,” he thinks. “But fuck me if I’m going to sit in this thing for the hour home to Needham with a bag of diapers and sour baby formula that’s been bloating in the sun for half the day.” We fault him, yes. But do we understand, to an extent? My aunt would say yes, then probably slap him in the face with her hand-woven Ecuadoran beach bag.

So what do we do? This is where it gets tricky and I’m open to all options, but I really think the shortest path through this thing might be PUT A FUCKING GARBAGE RECEPTACLE THERE BIG ENOUGH TO HANDLE ALL THE TRASH PEOPLE WANT TO GET RID OF.

Science may have solved this problem

Science may have solved this problem

Radical, I know. Look, we tried. We tried the ‘carry in, carry out’ thing and it failed. That’s fine, I’m all about trying stuff but this obviously does not work. Visitors are not accustomed to this practice and there is no way to effectively educate and habituate them because they only come a couple of times a year at most. It’s simply not their town and they don’t really care. At some point the shame of making Iron Eyes Cody cry is overcome by having to spend x amount of additional time with a bag of filth and refuse you have no idea what to do with. This is human nature. If you think you’re ever going to 100% overcome this you are a teenager who just finished The Fountainhead while listening too Farewell to Kings by Rush on repeat. The rest of us live in the real world.

I could irrigate our garden with this guys tears after a holiday weekend

I could irrigate our garden with this guys tears after a holiday weekend

Some other ideas:

  • Station a person there 100% of the time people are at the beach to make sure the pile doesn’t start. Once it starts, people add to it. However this seems more expensive than JUST PUTTING A RECEPTACLE THERE BIG ENOUGH TO HANDLE ALL THE TRASH PEOPLE WANT TO GET RID OF.

 

  • Some kind of technology, like a camera or something with a big sign that says “This area being recorded by Gloucester Police”. Once again, A RECEPTACLE THERE BIG ENOUGH TO HANDLE ALL THE TRASH PEOPLE WANT TO GET RID OF SEEMS CHEAPER AND SIMPLER AND LIKELY MORE EFFECTIVE.
Martin Del Vecchio?

Martin Del Vecchio?

  • A private small dumpster with an attendant who takes some reasonable amount of money [three bucks?] per [bag? pound? quart?] to dump it. Ok, that might work if there was enough trash…but I think you know where I’m going here WITH THE ALL CAPS AND STUFF.

 

  • One of those solar-compactor garbage cans with advertising on them like they have in Boston. They don’t look big enough, are about four grand each and someone still has to empty it, but maybe if local businesses wanted to chip in there might be a solution there that could work. Once again, I have the sneaking suspicion that it might just be cheaper to PUT A NORMAL TRASH CAN IN THERE but if someone wants to check that out here is the link.
Solar? At the beach? Sounds too utopian

Solar? At the beach? Sounds too utopian

Dealing with other people’s trash is just one of those things a town has to do. It’s not new, it’s not fun, but we have visitors who come here and generate trash. That’s simply reality. Pretending all human beings are going to collect their own trash is not realistic and we might as well ask people to fix potholes on the way out of town or submit a workable harbor plan before ordering dinner. People just don’t see this as their responsibility.

But I did once chase a dude in a Suburban on my bike with a bag of his family trash he’d ‘forgotten’ hoping to catch him at the junction of Bass Rocks Road and Atlantic. By the time I got up the hill he was a ghost and I rode home with the bag over my shoulder. “Man this shit stinks,” I thought as bits of it mushed around and dug into my ribs.

For just a millisecond, going past some woods, I thought about ditching it.