The Gloucester Clam

I, for one, am sick and tired of stupid gimmicky winter storm names. They’re not hurricanes, Weather Channel. Just stop. So instead of referring to this storm as “Winter Storm Juno” (does it come with a teenage pregnancy and Michael Cera?), The Gloucester Clam declares this winter storm to be named “Your Mom.” That way we can say things like:

– Your Mom is sucking up moisture off the coast of New Jersey

– Your Mom is full of powerful winds. She’s blowing a solid 30 knots.

– The overtime necessary to plow out after Your Mom may push the city budget into the red.

– Your Mom makes me want to just stay in bed all day.

– Your Mom was so powerful they shut the schools a day in advance.

– Your Mom has been blowing all day, and looks like this may continue into a second night.

– No one in town escaped a good dumping from Your Mom!

– Your Mom is going to responsible for a lot of blackouts and probably a couple of deaths.

– A 75 year old man died of a heart attack right in the middle of Your Mom.

–  I threw out my back plowing Your Mom this morning.

– If it weren’t for Your Mom, I’d have had a productive day.

–  Your Mom is going to keep the entire DPW busy for a week.

– I’m hoping that Your Mom somehow sputters out and only gives us a few inches.

– I think the back end of Your Mom is going to hit us the hardest.

–  I’ll probably be up to my waist in Your Mom, in fact.

– Your Mom is hardest on the elderly and the disabled

– My husband’s beard will be dripping wet by the time he’s done shoveling out Your Mom.

– Your Mom is so massive she can only be seen in her entirety from a satellite.

– ACE ran out of plywood in advance of Your Mom pounding the coast.

– Please seek shelter from Your Mom in the nearest designated municipal disaster shelter.

– I’m really concerned that Your Mom is going to kill my fish.

– The liquor store was packed with people getting ready for Your Mom.

–  They are predicting major beach erosion from Your Mom’s flooding.

– I really worry when they send Al Roker to report live from inside Your Mom. He’s going to drown someday.

– The excessive cold of Your Mom could deflate the Patriots’ balls.

– I, for one, will be tackling Your Mom wearing rubber boots and gloves.

– The supermarket was out of bananas, all because of Your Mom.

We survived the night. But will the living soon come to envy the dead? Remember that scene from “Alive”, the true story of the Uruguayan rugby team whose plane crashed in the Andes in 1972 and the survivors lived for two months after the crash until they were rescued:

Antonio: [debating whether to eat the bodies] I think God would want us to survive. Strive to live.

Gustavo: At all costs?

Antonio: No. I mean, we shouldn’t murder innocents to live.

Gustavo: And what about our innocence? What’s gonna become of our innocence if we survive as cannibals?

These guys were absolved of any sin by Pope Paul.  Keep it in mind, and specifically who qualifies as “innocents.” For instance, my neighbor throws his recycling ito the regular trash.

I’m just saying.

I think it’s too late for that kind of tomfoolery. I’m just going to run around in my backyard maze for a while and then go to sleep.

9:23 PM:

I have survived the 100 yard walk to the Rhumbline. I have ordered a hot turkey sandwich and several beers. The snow is kind of horizontal but not accumulating much.

Booze.