The Gloucester Clam

5:30 PM

KT reporting live from downtown neah the train station.

It was close, but I think I’m finally prepared for this asshole storm for jerks. I made a last stop at Turtle Alley and Liquor Locker for the provisions we couldn’t live without. Apparently I may have looked desperate and hopeless as I approached the Liquor Locker, as Lara Lepionka lovingly recreated in the photo below:

RUN GIRL THERE AIN’T MUCH TIME

I picked up my older kid at EGS, which had not yet been swallowed whole by mass panic and/or whatever Jim was talking about, and then came home. And I’m not even dead yet. I have like a whole jar of Fluff, some macaroni and cheese, and an entire leftover ¼ sheet birthday cake (chocolate AND vanilla, like a boss) AND TWENTY FOUR DELICIOUS BEERS. We have jockeyed cars in our driveway so our neighbors can fit in and don’t have to go all the way to the high school. We are GOOD TO GO. I mean, okay, we have electric heat, but whatever, if the power goes out the dog can keep us warm all night with his farts.

I think Jim’s overreacting. We’re totally all gonna be fine. Super fine. Nothing to worry about at all.

1:20pm STORES ARE OUT OF ESSENTIAL SUPPLIES

Jim Dowd reporting from East Gloucester

Hello readers, I am not certain that my neighborhood better know as “Eglo” is ready for the tribulation to come. First off, no one can find any duck fat anywhere. I am worried about crowds of marauders possibly trying to break into Duckworth’s Bistro in search of it, just their very name is suggestive of its crisping deliciousness.

“Braaaains comfiiiit!”

Second, though like any “Black Swan” event it all seems predictable in retrospect, how were we to know ukeleles did not perform well in the cold? Of course it makes sense NOW, they are obviously a tropical instrument in a temperate climate. Obvioulsy there would be adaptation issues, but who knew they would all go out of tune at the same time? If the power goes out I fear we shall have to switch to the recorder in order to perform the Wilco covers necessary to see us through the dark times ahead.

3:39 STORMTROOPERS ARE ON MOUNT PLEASANT AVE! I REPEAT, THERE ARE STOPRMTROOPERS ON MOUNT……*static*

More useful than those stupid Humvees the cops got, that’s for sure

Picket forces at the third marker near The Last Stop have reported AT-ATs approaching Gloucester! This is likely the vanguard force of the 501st Imperial Legion led by Major General Maximilian Veers. They will head for the power generators first, taking down the turbines at the Blackburn Industrial Center then head toward downtown. The evacuation point is O’Maley where transports will be waiting. And yes, it only takes two X-Wings to escort them because duh, ion cannon.

Good Luck and may the Force be with you.

STORMPOCALYPSE! HISTORIC BLIZZARD! TINY ICE CRYSTALS OF DEATH! CRIPPLING! SOCIETAL COLLAPSE! TAUNTAUN TORSO TERROR!

Like every media outlet your The Clam intends to capitalize on all of our impending collective death by by blizzard to the extent possible until our little blogging hands freeze solid and we are found welded with ice to our laptops thousands of years from now by glacier climbers like that other blogger they found in the Italian Alps.

Poor diet, bad teeth and mysteriously murdered? Yep, he was a blogger all right.

Stay tuned to The Clam for updates on the weather, the people and mostly the madness as the pressure of the storm collapses our fragile psyches like the can containing the last of the Gansett. Should we head out into the snow for more? What choices do we have, really?

I had a conversation with Jim earlier this week during a Clam-related meeting about content and posting schedule. “James!” I lamented, “It appears my input here at the Gloucester Clam (TM) has led to a job writing blog posts and managing social media part time. As that will actually be paying me, and your clientele is also picking up, what shall we do? Six days of blog posts is a lot for the two of us to tackle!” So we came up with “Fuck It Mondays.”

The premise of Fuck It Mondays is this: We see a lot of ridiculous stuff on Facebook and Twitter all week long. Why are we not aggregating the best of it into a blog post and sharing it with you? I’m not talking a direct “ten puppies you won’t believe have no toes!” list, but you know, shit that’s hilarious.

So here we are. Brooke, Jim and myself will team up to bring you some of the best shit we saw all week. You’re welcome.

This video is old as garlic balls, apparently, but here on Island of Moms Who Don’t Leave Gloucester, we have just found it (thanks Amanda Cook).