The Gloucester Clam

On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
A Drone stuck in a Tree

On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the third day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Ten Terrible Fuller School Ideas
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eleven Overly Enthusiastic Tuna Fishermen
Ten Terrible Fuller School Ideas
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Twelve Middle Aged Men Drunk on a Tuesday at Noon
Eleven Overly Enthusiastic Tuna Fishermen
Ten Terrible Fuller School Ideas
Nine Backyard Gardens
Eight Skirts-A-Flowing
Seven Unleashed Dogs on Good Harbor Beach
Six Seagulls-A-Shitting
Five Expansive Eastern Point Lawns
Four Empty Nips
Three Train Station Fist Fights
Two Busted Drug Deals
and a Drone stuck in a Tree

Here’s Marty’s pictures from the Menorah lighting last night. Good job, everyone!

They said it couldn’t be done. They laughed at me in Yeshiva. But I’ll show them. I’ll SHOW THE WORLD!!!

Yo, Clams and Clamettes! I’m hollering at you from sunny Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I’m on the 19th floor of a sweet-ass apartment building my friends live in, and they’re the kind of responsible adults who have a guest bedroom, so here I am. I’m here without my husband and kids for my birthday, which is kind of freakin’ awesome, although I miss their faces. I’ve never really been to Fort Lauderdale, just Miami once and that place was oddly terrifying. Lamborghinis and pastel-colored neon signs and shit.

But FLL is kind of like Gloucester. Hear me out!

1. Boat parade! This past Saturday was their yearly boat parade. Just like ours in Gloucester, everyone here puts lights all over their boats and goes down the river to the ocean. However, down here, the boats are mostly yachts and the parade’s grand marshall was Flo-Rida. Naturally. Also they had a Cheers boat that played the Cheers theme while it floated by. And a General Lee decorated boat that just blasted Black Betty on repeat, lest you forget you’re in fucking Florida.

Just like Gloucester!

2. Painted sidewalks. Actually, they have whole freakin’ painted intersections here. I’m not really sure how they get them to last, I assume they have to repaint them all the dang time. There are probably people down here whining about them, too.

Ooh, arty!

3. Art. There’s art here too. It’s just…different. Instead of our local collaboratives like the Hive, I keep passing fancypants “fine art” stores on my walks, and they all have the most garish shit imaginable.

I don’t even know.

There are people that would buy this unironically. I don’t want to know them.

EDIT: Also, I just realized there is a neighborhood called Lauderdale-By-The-Sea. NOT KIDDING.

That’s probably the end of the similarities, and I need to go relax after a hard day of doing nothing, so here:

You’re welcome.