Whoops, turns out I’m like forever behind on Wicked Tuna recaps. Mostly because I procrastinate in hatewatching this show. Alright, it’s not hatewatch, that seems too harsh- it’s more like “ambivalentwatch.” But let’s see if this week’s show is a total hot garbage pit, or if National Geographic can make fishing seem fun.
We start off with Stonerboat talking about food, to the surprise of no one. They catch a bite as they’re making dinner with another boat so one crew member is stuck on the other boat, and they make it look super dramatic as he LEAPS DANGEROUSLY the two feet back to Stonerboat. Tyler explains to the camera the difficulty in fishing for tuna at night, which is actually sort of logical and interesting. Mostly it’s dark and that makes it harder.
They catch their fish and because they are north of Glaahstaaah, they bring it to Kennebunkport, to a guy who appears to be wearing suspenders that double as measuring tapes. Bravo, sir, that’s Yankee ingenuity.
I can’t really knock him since I dress similarly and I don’t even work with fish.
Over on the Haaaahd Merchandise, Captain Dave “Obvious” Marciano comes up with “You have to go where the fish are going to catch them.” Fantastic insight, sir. There’s some whiny baby talk about the Hot Tuna stealing Stonerboat’s “spot” on the ocean (are you even fucking kidding it’s an ocean it’s not yours), like everyone fishing is about twelve years old.
As the Hot Tuna tries to get their giant fish aboard, they actually have to blur out TJ’s foot-long plumber crack. Son, let me introduce you to the world of belts. Or fuck it, suspenders. Look, you can even get ones that double as a tape measure. It’s a whole new experience, bro.
AGAIN THIS IS ON NATIONAL TV
After TJ and the Bears bring the fish in, the dog licks the dead tuna’s eyeballs. Fantastic. The Tuna.Com decides they shall also go where all these fish are going. Ugh seriously this show is boring as crap. Maine or Gloucester? No one caaares.
Oh look it’s the Lily, where they fish using ancient techniques like harpooning and using a plane (have they not heard of drones yet wtf), and they have the most insane accents in all the land. I want to know why Bill Muniz’ nickname is “Hollywood” honestly. Did he have some film career before this? Haha no of course not this is Gloucester. Anyway, this show is reaching so harrrrd at this point, so that random other harpoon boat they added gets a little segment. Then the Lily harpoons a tuna and gets yelled at. I, for one, like an immature manboy ocean fight.
After there’s some man-fights, Ol’ Hollywood tells the camera, “Yeah I’m cocky! I bring meat to the dock!” And I laugh because I am twelve.
Back where everyone and their syphilitic uncle is fishing, the Hard Merchandise gets a pity-bite. “We have to function like well oiled machine!” Dave tells the camera, blissfully unaware of the irony in that his entire boat looks like it’s either never seen a drop of oil or it all leaked into the sea before they got to the breakwater. They manage to actually catch the fish.
The Tuna.com has apparently been caught in the middle of the ocean without any water or ice, which is a smart move. As a “high seas courtesy” the Hot Tuna gives them extra in return for a promised bottle of Patron. Unsure if that’s an equal match but I guess I can try it sometime and let you know how it turns out.
The random other harpoon boat bitches about Mr Bill Hollywood. “If you took that plane away from him, he wouldn’t catch dick!” I would know, as I was named Dick Catcher of the Year for 3 seasons in a row in the late ’90s. It takes skill.
“That’s how you drive a boat, b*tch!” says somebody. I’m unsure if that’s good or bad.
Oh finally it’s over. No more harpoon boats for the rest of the season. Look how sad I am.
Fish Caught: I can’t remember, I think 6 sounds right.
Slow Motion Seagulls: 3
“I need this fish” count: 2
Random Boats: 3