Tag: Wicked Tuna

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 7, “The Maine Event”

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Whoops, turns out I’m like forever behind on Wicked Tuna recaps. Mostly because I procrastinate in hatewatching this show. Alright, it’s not hatewatch, that seems too harsh- it’s more like “ambivalentwatch.” But let’s see if this week’s show is a total hot garbage pit, or if National Geographic can make fishing seem fun.

We start off with Stonerboat talking about food, to the surprise of no one. They catch a bite as they’re making dinner with another boat so one crew member is stuck on the other boat, and they make it look super dramatic as he LEAPS DANGEROUSLY the two feet back to Stonerboat. Tyler explains to the camera the difficulty in fishing for tuna at night, which is actually sort of logical and interesting. Mostly it’s dark and that makes it harder.

They catch their fish and because they are north of Glaahstaaah, they bring it to Kennebunkport, to a guy who appears to be wearing suspenders that double as measuring tapes. Bravo, sir, that’s Yankee ingenuity.

I can't really knock him since I dress similarly and I don't even work with fish.

I can’t really knock him since I dress similarly and I don’t even work with fish.

Over on the Haaaahd Merchandise, Captain Dave “Obvious” Marciano comes up with “You have to go where the fish are going to catch them.” Fantastic insight, sir. There’s some whiny baby talk about the Hot Tuna stealing Stonerboat’s “spot” on the ocean (are you even fucking kidding it’s an ocean it’s not yours), like everyone fishing is about twelve years old.

As the Hot Tuna tries to get their giant fish aboard, they actually have to blur out TJ’s foot-long plumber crack. Son, let me introduce you to the world of belts. Or fuck it, suspenders. Look, you can even get ones that double as a tape measure. It’s a whole new experience, bro.

AGAIN THIS IS ON NATIONAL TV

AGAIN THIS IS ON NATIONAL TV

After TJ and the Bears bring the fish in, the dog licks the dead tuna’s eyeballs. Fantastic. The Tuna.Com decides they shall also go where all these fish are going. Ugh seriously this show is boring as crap. Maine or Gloucester? No one caaares.

Oh look it’s the Lily, where they fish using ancient techniques like harpooning and using a plane (have they not heard of drones yet wtf), and they have the most insane accents in all the land.  I want to know why Bill Muniz’ nickname is “Hollywood” honestly. Did he have some film career before this? Haha no of course not this is Gloucester. Anyway, this show is reaching so harrrrd at this point, so that random other harpoon boat they added gets a little segment. Then the Lily harpoons a tuna and gets yelled at. I, for one, like an immature manboy ocean fight.

offload

After there’s some man-fights, Ol’ Hollywood tells the camera, “Yeah I’m cocky! I bring meat to the dock!” And I laugh because I am twelve.

Back where everyone and their syphilitic uncle is fishing, the Hard Merchandise gets a pity-bite. “We have to function like well oiled machine!” Dave tells the camera, blissfully unaware of the irony in that his entire boat looks like it’s either never seen a drop of oil or it all leaked into the sea before they got to the breakwater. They manage to actually catch the fish.

The Tuna.com has apparently been caught in the middle of the ocean without any water or ice, which is a smart move. As a “high seas courtesy” the Hot Tuna gives them extra in return for a promised bottle of Patron. Unsure if that’s an equal match but I guess I can try it sometime and let you know how it turns out.

The random other harpoon boat bitches about Mr Bill Hollywood. “If you took that plane away from him, he wouldn’t catch dick!” I would know, as I was named Dick Catcher of the Year for 3 seasons in a row in the late ’90s. It takes skill.

“That’s how you drive a boat, b*tch!” says somebody. I’m unsure if that’s good or bad.

Oh finally it’s over. No more harpoon boats for the rest of the season. Look how sad I am.

 

Fish Caught: I can’t remember, I think 6  sounds right.

Slow Motion Seagulls: 3

“I need this fish” count: 2

Random Boats: 3

 

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts”

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How was your possible religious holiday and/or weekend? Awesome? Well let’s bring it down a notch with the WICKED TUNA RECAP TRAIN chugging into Gloucester station. We’re up to episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts” – let’s see what completely unscripted, natural moments about fishing we’ll catch this week.

I think I’m a few weeks behind, and I can tell this immediately because this episode has an inexplicable fuckton of Irish-sounding background and dramatic scene music. Fun, I won’t hate this next 42 minutes at all. The first ten minutes of the episode revolve around a few of the boats hooking fish. “Yay fish things!” say some boats.

Scientists, all.

Scientists, all.

Over on the Hard Merchandise, our nonhirsuite captain screams about being excited, which is odd, because usually this guy has the composure of Bill Belicheck at a chess tournament. I look, but see no “Angelica Fisheries” hoodie sans sleeves. There is more screaming, involving describing exactly how they harpoon animals in the face, they yell WE NEED THIS FISH and… the line breaks at the very end. Um, oops.

Annd, we have a random new boat! This was probably the result of all those ads they placed in the GDT looking for boats. Welcome, DRAMABOAT.

Literally.

Literally.

The crew of this boat all appear to be younger dudes, late 20-somethings. And then there’s this guy. A HOT DUDE APPEARS FROM NOWHERE:

DANG

DANG

Holy crap, the producers have finally put something in this show that ensures I will watch the rest of the season. FUCK YEAH. His name is Paul and he better fucking stay in this show because he is hot as blazes.

Over on the Tuna.com, they’re making bacon. “Who doesn’t like bacon?” “Weird people don’t like bacon. Truer words on this show have never been spoken. Dave is gone AT HIS OTHER JOB AS AN AIRLINE PILOT HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?

 

What DOESN'T this guy captain?

What DOESN’T this guy captain?

 

So Sandro has a buddy who just graduated college who inexplicably has decided he wants to fish for a living. YOU HAVE A DEGREE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING? Anyway he’s just on for the week. Over on the Haaahd Merchandise, they say “WE NEED THIS FISH” again, so clearly that means they’ll get one. Oop, nope. Womp-womp. Next thing I know, Dave is screaming profanity at the sea. We’ve all done that, Dave, no shame in screaming four letter words towards the indifferent, lapping waves.

What Dave points out is that he has no alternate source of income. While I sympathize with his decreased ability to make money, I also don’t get this. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but there are jobs in the world out there. I understand his need to make a paycheck, but I’ve changed industries and jobs from bike mechanic to customer service to social media and I once worked in an auto glass warehouse. This was all in ten years. If something stopped working, I did something else. It’s easy to fall through the cracks in this society and I am the last person to victim-blame, but you also need to see the forest for the trees sometimes and look to alternate sources of income. And now for saying that, my tires will probably be slashed. Gloucester!

Anyway, over on the Kelly Ann, we see Paul Hebert showing how calm the wind is by where the smoke from his cigarette goes. National Geographic. This show airs on National Geographic, which is arguably one of the best-known scientific and geographic magazines of our time. And we’ve got people still smoking on its TV channel. Awesome. Anyway I do enjoy some of Paul’s antics, so let’s go that way! Oh, and they get a fish, so good for them. And we also have Dramaboat there, so hot dang.

While Dave from the Tuna.Com is moving freely about the country, his deckhand Sandro and the new kid catches a fish so big it has trouble actually fitting through the hatch thing. Now I want sushi. Damnit.

Finally, the Hard Merchandise actually catches their fish. Everybody is happy. Hooray. The end!

 

 

 

Fish Caught: 3

Fish lost at the last minute: 1

“We need this fish!” count: 2

New boats: 1

Bacon strips cooked: 25

 

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: Episode 3, “Bluefin Beatdown”.

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Welcome back to KT’s Wicked Tuna recap, where I tell you what’s going on in this magical show so you don’t actually spend an hour of your weekend doing so. I take donations, by the way, for this service. Mostly in booze or tranquilizer darts (whatever, I have small boys, don’t judge).

So our third hot garbage episode of the season is upon us. I believe it’s called “The One Where Mike Fucks Up”, based on the previews. Most of the first five minutes is just stock footage of Stonerboat and Tuna.com getting into several years of sad man-drama, but then they switch over to the Hot Tuna and there’s TJ, totally throwing his little brother Mike under the bus on national tv for like six additional minutes. Hot damn, we have ourselves an episode.

"Is my shirt clean enough? It's only cable TV."

“Is my shirt clean enough? It’s only cable TV.”

The Pinwheel fails to catch a fish (even though they said they really needed it), and there is whining. Tyler mumbles a series of motivational phrases, and the show’s obviously scripted lines are yelled too quickly and thoughtlessly to be anything off-the-cuff. It’s not that any of us believe these reality shows represent the truth, but there are times when this show doesn’t even try to hide the scripting. Dave’s Tuna.com catches a fish, and then whomps it with an anchor ball. Okay! Cool. Normal.

There is a little bit on Paul’s new boat, the Kelly Ann, and some kid making a delicious-looking breakfast. However, they don’t catch anything and are largely useless for the entire episode. The Hard Merchandise doesn’t even show up for this episode, though, so at least these guys got to eat delicious breakfast sandwiches.

hooray for boat sandwiches!

hooray for boat sandwiches!

The Hot Tuna has a fish on their line, but then just starts leaking power steering fluid everywhere. So basically they just put more steering fluid in, and then it slowly seeps into the ocean. That’s… safe. And good for the ocean. Thanks for that, NatGeo. The Tuna.com has another fish, who they deem “an asshole”. Well, yeah, I think that’s because he has a hook in his face. Probably. And now he’s dead and will be in my next spicy tuna roll. Hooray!

Back to the Hot Tuna, where they smartly decide to catch the leaking oil in a bucket instead of letting it seep directly into the ocean. They catch the fish on their line with the help of Mike, who has finally done something worthy of his family’s love (sweating in a small, hot room). Hooray!

Okay this has been an entirely boring episode. A few more fish get caught in incredibly boring ways, some yelling happens, karma is or is not served on Tyler, some tuna gets sold for varying amounts of money, I need another margarita, blah blah blah.

Drinks Consumed: 1.6 (zzz this stupid episode sucked)
Tuna Caught: 4
We Really Need This Fish Count: 2
Reel Reel Reel! Count: 3
Slow Motion Seagulls: 0

Wicked Tuna: Season 4 Premier Recap!

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Oh my Clams Casino, are you guys as excited as I am for the return of Wicked Tuna? So confession: I missed the Season Premier of Wicked Tuna last Sunday. I skipped town for a few days and went to Atlantic City with my husband – apparently I am a 73 year old woman from Cos Cob named Geraldine who chainsmokes Virginia Slims and putters about on a motorized scooter, and not a 31 year old with pink hair and an elaborate knowledge of memes. Who knew? Anyway that’s why this update is a week behind the air date. My bad.

Anyway the episode starts off on opening day with some changes. Looks like Paul Hebert has a new boat again, the Kelly Ann, with a whole new bunch of people to yell at, which is just fantastic. Also Tyler fired all the kids on Stonerboat and replaced them with experienced fishermen, one of which unsurprisingly looks like a stoner kid. The Hot Tuna has an additional hirsute family member aboard, the Hard Merchandise is still one lag bolt away from falling apart in the ocean, and the Tuna.com is pretty much the same as last year.

 

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

Every boat gets to where they put lines in the water while they recap last year and awkwardly explain how fishing works in general, and then there’s a Big Dramatic Moment where everyone is waiting for the first bite. And the winner is Paul Hebert and his random boat with random people! Hooray!

Also Hot Tuna and Pinwheel get bites. And then, ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds into the episode comes the first “We need this fish!” That means you take a drink, for those of you watching at home. Our Favorite Catch Phrase is uttered by Tyler’s new vaguely familiar looking crew member, who apparently will not be putting up with any tomfoolery as he is older and has a family. The other crew member looks like he got lost on his way to a homemade skateboarding video shoot. Did they shanghai a twelve year old?

bro!

bro!

Turns out the Hot Tuna actually caught a shark, Paul’s Rando Boat’s line snapped, and it ends up that the Pinwheel wins the Wheel O’ Fish. And in the special bonus round, they also get the second fish of the season AND THEN THE THIRD before another boat catches anything else. I’m sure many celebratory bong hits were ripped because they just kicked everyone else’s ass.

Over on the Hot Tuna, everyone still has plenty of majestic facial hair. They should really just call this boat Four Beards and A Dog. They finally catch a fish. I kind of spaced out at this point but the dog was barking the entire time, I’m sure. Where does that dog take a crap, anyway? Things I wonder about.

Hard Merchandise catches nothing but also doesn’t sink, so bonus really. The last segment has the Tuna.com catching something.

Looks legit.

Looks legit.

At the end of the episode, Stonerboat decides to do some kind of surfing thing that seems like it will most certainly result in grevious bodily harm. The episode ends, but since I’m a week behind, I must soldier on, steadfast in my resolve to watch this show and recap it for you so you don’t have to waste an hour of your lives. I can do another episode tonight. How much margarita mix do I have left?

Episode 1 Stats:

Tunas caught: 5

“We need this fish!” count: 2

Margaritas consumed: 2.3

Times I paused the episode to re-examine my life choices: 3

 

(Obvious Disclaimer Before Folks Get Mad: The majority of cast members of Wicked Tuna are on the whole, good dudes – especially Dave Cararro, who was probably the nicest customer I’ve ever had. I’m being sarcastic in my write-up of this show. I would probably drink with any of these guys.)

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North Vs South, Episode #5, “Ice Ice Tuna.”

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We’re back with another recap of Wicked Tuna, North vs South. If you’re just tuning in, I recap this show so no one else has to watch it. It started off as kind of a dare – “Let’s watch a show about fishing in our town when I’ve never fished on a boat!” And now it’s kind of grown on me like some terrible Stockholm Syndrome where I kind of empathize with some of these folks. Mostly I don’t though, because I’m a sociopath. Anyway, continuing on!

We start off with a man screaming in a Southern drawl. I didn’t even need to type that sentence, I just imagine you all assume, correctly, that every episode starts like that. Let’s just skip that part next time. ‘WE’REJUST OUT HURR AND THE WIND’S LIKE 25, 35, AND WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR GIANT BLUEFIN TUNA!” No fucking shit. And here I was, thinking this was a PBS special on whatever submersible Woods Hole is working on these days. Thank you for the clarification, good sir.

Anyway I can tell in advance that the entire freakin’ plotline of this episode is going to be based on some storm rolling in. One of the more well-spoken Southern gents explains to us about the inherent dangers of the ocean, and there’s a bunch of clouds in the trailer preview, so I’m guessing there will be more screaming and wacky camera angles than usual. They go on about how you can easily be knocked overboard by a wave and I’m like “arggh wear a lifejacket at least!”

That seems safe.

That seems safe.

 

Oh my god, the first “We need this fish bad!” And we’re 3 minutes into it. I aim to drink every time they say it. At this rate, with this episode, I may never actually make it to the Rhumbline to continue drinking.  I guess this is the Fishing Frenzy, they get the fish eventually, and emit a lot of unintelligible screaming in the process.

The Wahoo takes a look at the weather, realizes there’s no fish anyway, and says “fuck it” and heads to shore. This is a good and smart decision.

You know what’s weird in this show? No matter how little money they get for the fish or how small it is, they’re always SUPER EXCITED ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY THEY JUST MADE. It must be some kind of weird contractual obligation.

Hooray. Don't scream until the camera pans away.

Hooray. Don’t scream until the camera pans away.

 

Over on Stonerboat, a Coast Guard plane does a couple of warning passes, and Tyler realizes they usually don’t just do that for shits and giggles (or maybe they do, I’m no nautical expert here). So, they head in. There’s a cool fast-motion shot of this huge-ass Cloud Of Pain and Snow rolling in.

promising

 

Fast forward to tomorrow! There’s tons of snow and ice and stuff from this storm! Oh, this makes working hard! The Hot Tuna keeps breaking through ice to get out of the harbor, but it gets real dramatic-like. “It’s super sketchy, I ain’t gonna lie!” You tell it like it is.

“We’re not gonna make it, man!” DUN DUN DUNNNN.

I expected the ending of Titanic, but instead they turn around and head back, and the first mate with the super long last name jumps out of the boat onto the dock and slips on the ice in a hilarious manner slightly off-camera. There’s nothing I like more than slapstick comedy where no one is seriously injured, so that made watching the rest of this hot mess worth it.

Dave Marciano goes on about how easy it is to sink boats and damage them by going out when they’re not supposed to, so they, too, stay in. I’m hoping at this point there’s just a big scene of everyone taking a snow day and going bowling because it would make this more palatable.

Over on Stonerboat, they say “We’re Gloucestermen! Let’s try it!” Which is what I’m going to yell every time I get drunk and do something stupid in the general downtown area (spoiler alert: this is often).

They get to the same spot where the Hot Tuna gave up and tucked tail for Pizza Bagels and Netflix, and Paul Hebert yells “It’s thicker than you think!” I chuckle, because I am twelve. They somehow actually manage to Ice Dance their way out of there, but other boats are more concerned with the old “not dying” trick, so they’re on their own for now. They go to a perfectly timed commercial break as it appears the boat is about to sink, but probably after we come back will turn out to only be a slightly rolling wave hitting it. Reality TV! Hooray!

Spoiler alert: THAT WAS ACTUALLY WHAT IT WAS. A SMALL WAVE BROKE OVER THE BOAT AND THEY SAID WOOHOO AND KEPT GOING. NAT GEO BILLED THIS LIKE DANGER WAS AFOOT.  THIS IS WHY I HATE REALITY TV SO MUCH.

Multitasking!

Multitasking!

The Wahoo, which I’ve by now realized contains the more well-spoken and less “shooting our guns indiscriminantly at the water” crew of the Southern boats, catches a fish. I think this is the only boat where they don’t need to use captions.

On the Hard Merchandise, the fantabulous world of double-entendres continues with Dave yelling “Pop ’em off! I don’t wanna lose my fingers!” Which is what all the boys say to me, or something. I’m pretty sure he also yells “you’re too far down in the gap!” But I can’t be sure. I need captions. “All packaged up like a nice Christmas sausage!” This can’t possibly be accidental.

In one of the final scenes, someone says “I hope the curtains match the carpet!” in regards to the inside of a fish.

The Pinwheel stays out kinda late, and almost has engine problems that would have left them dead in the water during a dangerous storm. Man, this is not an easy way to make a living.

Some boats make money. Others don’t.

Fin.